Wednesday, April 12, 2006

To all parents

This poem was sent to me by Aunt Muriel. I cannot say for sure that it makes me feel any better at this moment, but it is very touching and sums up what a lot of people have been saying.

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine" He said
"For you to love the while she lives, and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be 6 or 7 years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you till I call her back, take care of her for Me:
She'll bring her charm to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there, I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate Me when I come to call, to take her back again."

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may.
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay:
But should the angels call for her much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."

A verse by Edgar Guest (I used poetic license to change the gender of the child in the original verse).

We are trying very hard to understand and feel that she was not sent for her to learn from us but for us to learn from her. She made an impact on many people's lives, the most recent being a good friend of mine who (for reasons we will not go into here) was having problems coming to terms with and accepting her pregnancy. At the memorial service she says she had a total change of heart and feels completely different about her baby girl now.

Kendra has given so much to so many people and yet she never said a word. She had a lovely laugh, which usually led to a bout of hiccups, and hardly ever cried. She just charmed everyone she came into contact with.

And all of this leads me to a question put to me in a comment to a previous post.
I'm having trouble with infertility - what do you think - better to have loved and lost or not to have experienced it at all. Sometimes I think of the pain a mother must go through when losing a child, and then can't help to think, maybe better not to have loved at all.
I hope you don't mind me making your comment public, I just feel like maybe many others have thought the same way and are thinking of giving up on their quest for a child. This is only my opinion and I am speaking as one who has loved and lost. I cannot say that I can understand the pain that you are going through in your battle with infertility. I never had that problem so I can only speak about how I feel about what I am going through at the moment. Even now, when I am at my saddest and my chest physically aches from the heartache, I would do it all again.

These past 11 months have been truly wonderful. The joy you get from holding that little body and seeing the love and trust in those eyes, from being able to make her laugh, from the smile that appears on her face when she sees you looking at her. These are things that cannot be matched. And I have been blessed with that twice (my son is now 7 years old). And even though it was taken away from me so early the second time around, it is better to have loved and lost than to have missed out on that love. I'm sorry, I hope I have not made you feel bad about your situation, I just don't want you to give up hope. Having children is hard work, make no mistake, but it is definitely worth it. Good luck and please keep blogging, I would like to read more.


Nobs said...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your mail! I struggled to fight back the tears - thank you soooo much. Little Kendra was beautiful - I've always thought that children choose the parents they are born to, and how lucky she was that she had chosen you! I've read all your posts, and can only say that I admire you for what you have achieved. We're starting our first round of treatment next month, and I'll keep you posted (if you're interested...)

Anonymous said...

hi Vanessa,Gathry Branston

Surprised but I felt that I needed to place a comment on being afraid to conceive after our heartache of losing Kendra.This is why I felt that I had to express my feelings at the Memorial Service.I have a friend who tried for10 years before she had her gorgeous perfect little girl through fertility treatment. God gave me first Kendra's father,then his sister then I too lost a daughter at birth and then I had my first "laat lammertjie" another daughter then I lost one at five months and then I had my fourth miracle another daughter. I never had riches and have always said my children were given to me by God and they are my riches. The lesson I learnt from losing two babies was not to question what God does but to realise that there is a reason why He does this.

Love ma

Anonymous said...

My own feelings are still very raw and I have had many questions which remain unanswered. It is however truly heartening to experience everyone's love out there for Kendra and her family. This wonder of support and understanding from the "big family" here on earth truly shows me how God's love touches people's lives and reaches to ends I did not know even existed. For the many people out there who are making comments, thank you - you are all teaching me that compassion and morality has not been removed from this world. Vanessa, I can hear and feel your pain every time I speak with you. I wish so I could say something to make you feel better or just to relieve you of the intense feelings you are experiencing every day. Know that I care, I want to be there for you and do not hesitate to knock on my door if you are in need. Always remember, God loves you and I agree with "ma", we do not always understand why God does these things but there is a reason for it. This reason or purpose I am sure does not remove the pain that you are going through now. Just know it will be revealed to you in good time.
With love Yvonne

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