Monday, November 27, 2006

Kendra's bench

Kendra's bench and plaque are ready! The bench is in place. I have more photos which I will put up soon (when blogger stops giving me problems). We must still go and attach the plaque. We put Kendra's new website address on it which for the moment I will just link to the blog. But we still need to get hosting and find out how to link it etc etc and I don't want to put the plaque up until that is done. We thought that it would be a good idea to put the website address on the plaque so that if people are curious about the gorgeous baby, they can go and read about her. We also want to maybe use the website later on to spread more information about special needs children and make people more aware of them.

I hate that the only new photos I have to post here are of a grave and bench and plaque when I should be putting up photos of a nineteen month old baby girl. That sucks big time.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


Another cousin for Branston and Kendra. A big CONGRATULATIONS to my brother Ian and Sonja on the birth of little baby Savuti, born at 6:11am on 6 November (interesting number combination - 6:11 on 6/11!!). She was a healthy 3.28kg and is doing well. Sorry about the quality of the picture but they sent it to my phone and then I sent it via MMS to my mailbox.

Another set of congratulations to Tertia for her appearance on Carte Blanche tonight. It was a very good piece. T, I know I said I would do a review of your book here and I most definitely will, soon, soon.

The Special Needs group had a wonderful breakfast last weekend. It was great to have such good attendance. I did have a bit of a wobbly while holding Tammy's baby but I don't think anyone noticed as I passed her on very quickly and went to the loo to compose myself. She is 3 months old now and very cute. I think it was just the way she held my finger that brought back memories.

I have been holding it together quite well lately, almost too well I sometimes feel. I have had to tell a few more people of her death and have managed to do it without getting all upset about it. I suppose that great big rip in my heart is forming scar tissue. I just worry sometimes that the scar tissue is not very strong yet and will rip open again. But we will cross that bridge when we get to it, in the meantime I am doing ok.

Some pics of bench and plaque to follow....

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Babies everywhere

Sorry for being such a terrible blogger. I just have not being feeling like writing anything lately. It seems like pretty much everything has already been said. I still have ups and downs. I don't cry as much as I used to. I suppose that is a good thing. I need to get stuck into doing some more scrapbooking. I am having withdrawal symptoms. I think I will probably attend a class or 2. The shopping centre near us has expanded and they have a new scrapping shop which is doing classes.

Myself and Branston went for a walk around this new part of the centre yesterday and 9 people out of every 10 seemed to be carrying babies, generally girls. It was open season for babies. Now, generally I am ok with seeing babies but this was just so 'in your face' that it was just a bit much. Especially when I had just been asked by the mother of one of Branston's schoolfriends how my daughter was doing - 'She must be walking already'. I really thought all of them knew but obviously not. I found though that it is getting easier to tell people even when it catches me by surprise. Slightly easier but not easy, if you know what I mean.

I then went and dreamt last night of people asking me how she is. I think about 3 or 4 people asked me in my dream about her and I had to tell them what happened. Eventually it got a bit much.

This whole decision of whether to have another baby is also getting to me. We have talked about it and Gathry is not that keen for his own reasons. I think that I do have a need to have another baby but that is just it - a need for a baby but not necessarily a need for a child. It is difficult to explain. On the one hand, I want Branston to have a brother or sister (I actually don't mind which) but on the other hand, by the time they are old enough to play with him, he will be 10 or 11 and probably won't be interested. I think about the expense and work involved in having another child. The things that I want to do that we would have to put on hold. The thought that I am nearly 40 and I will be in my fifties during this child's teen years. What if there was a problem with the child and they needed lifelong care. Now don't get me wrong, I would happily have looked after Kendra as long as necessary and if I could choose I would want her back in a heartbeat. But knowing the challenges I would face do I want to risk it again? Do I want to risk heartbreak again? Some women whose blogs I have read, lost their babies and then went on to have a miscarriage. My heart just breaks for them. Can I go through that and come out in one piece?

On that note, I wish I could just dive into the internet and go and give Emma's mum a great big hug. Instead a big virtual hug to you, Emma's Mum. I am thinking of you and I hope others reading this will also send you and your family some love and support.

Anyway, Christmas is coming up soon. Without Kendra. She only had one Christmas with us but this Christmas is going to be a little bit empty (ok, a lot) without her.
Powered by WebRing.