Monday, September 06, 2010

Say what?

This comment was left on my last post:
hey girl. i was meaning to post something really mean at first, but please, try to move on. God bless
Huh?? If you say you were going to post something really mean then don't you think that is really mean in itself? And why was 'Anonymous' going to be mean? Has he/she ever lost a child? Do they know what it is like to carry a life inside you for 9 (8 in my case) months, watch them grow for 11 months and then have them cruelly taken away from you? To tell me to move on and then to say god bless? I don't think they realise that such a comment can be hurtful even after 4,5 years when I am supposed to have moved on. And FYI, anonymous, I have a beautiful baby boy now who I am totally enjoying. If I want to come and express the occasional feelings of longing for the child I lost in this place, which is one place where I put down my feelings about my loss, as you may have noticed I don't post that often, I do not appreciate being told to move on. I use this public forum for this as there are actually people out there that it helps.
End of rant.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

5 years old.

Happy birthday my angel. Tomorrow you will be 5 years old. We may not be able to bring you flowers as we are going away for the weekend but we will be taking some cake along to celebrate. We always get cake for your birthday even if you are not physically there to share it.

I miss you my baby. I miss the 5 year old little girl I never got to know. I hope they throw you a big party up in heaven.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

4 years

4 years ago today my world came crashing down. It is hard to believe that 4 years have passed. Sometimes it feels really fresh in my mind, other times more bearable. Time does ease the pain but it never takes it away.

A lot of people have asked me if having another baby has helped or made things worse. There is no simple answer to that. It brings back a lot of memories which often makes one sad but sometimes it is nice to remember something that you had forgotten and may not have remembered otherwise. You cannot help but compare Kendra and Mitchell. Obviously Mitchell is already more advanced than Kendra ever was. It kind of highlights the fact that she was so delayed. Anyway, I had quite a bit I wanted to say on the topic but my mind seems to have gone blank. It seems like my blog has done it's job and helped me along the path of healing but now I just don't know how to write down my feelings anymore. Maybe I no longer need it like I did back then. Maybe my creative juices have dried up. I haven't scrapbooked in ages either.

I dreamt last night that Kendra was in a horrible cemetery and someone was telling me that we could have her removed and taken somewhere nicer. It took me a while after I woke up to remember that she was already somewhere very nice. We will go there this afternoon. Hopefully it doesn't rain.
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