Saturday, July 29, 2006

Something else...

I thought I would write about something else today. I watched a program on TV the other day about violence in schools . It scared me. How do you protect your child from other children at school? It has gone beyond 'normal' bullying and seems to be much more violent. I used to hear the odd story about a child that was stabbed on the Cape flats or somewhere else and I would think that something like that will never happen where I live. But it is happening all over. Middle class and more affluent areas are affected just as much as the so-called poorer areas. Branston is in a private school because we thought that he would have more opportunities, be more protected, have a better chance in life. But the kids in private schools generally have more money to spend on drugs and other things. I am not saying that all kids in private schools use drugs but you cannot say that there is less of it there than in public schools.

I blame TV and movies for the violence. Ok, so we shouldn't allow him to watch violent things but do you know how hard it is to find non-violent programs on TV? Even cartoons are violent. I mean, are Tom and Jerry not always trying to beat each other up or eat each other? On TV the heroes can get shot or thrown off a building and walk away from it. We always try and explain to Branston that the things he watches on TV are not real and he must not try anything like that at home. But what about other kids? We have no control over them.

It's when I read these stories and others about murder and rape of young children that I start thinking maybe Kendra had the right idea. She is in a better place and will never risk being exposed to all these bad things. Don't worry, I am not thinking of joining her and I do know that there is a lot of good in the world eg here. I do just worry sometimes about what is going on out there.

Monday, July 24, 2006

4 months

Isn't it strange how 4 months can seem like a lifetime? 4 months is a third of a year, half a pregnancy (well, mine anyway). On the one hand the year seems to have flown. I can't believe it is the end of July already, yet the last 4 months seems like an eternity. 4 short, but oh so long, months since I held my baby in my arms. Today has not been a good day, as you may be able to tell. And then this evening, for the first time since AK (after Kendra), Branston wanted to read to her when he did his reading homework. He used to do his reading while I gave her her bottle. So I took her picture down and put it on the table so that he could read to her.

On a different note, we had a lovely holiday. We took 2 weeks off during the school holidays. For the first week we went to Sun City. This was a gift from some very kind people. You know who you are. We cannot thank you enough. It was great to get away and spend time together without worrying about buying milk, feeding animals, cleaning house etc. We were able to spend time together and get used to being a family of 3 again. Branston had a ball. So many new experiences for him. I did have a few moments of sadness when I saw people with babies but we kept pretty busy so there was no time to dwell on what could have been. It was a great week.

The second week we spent at home painting Branston's room - doing our own extreme makeover! Well, not that extreme and we haven't finished yet but it is looking qutie good if I say so myself. I don't know if I have energy to do the rest of the house though, as is our intention. Painting is quite hard work, although rewarding. I am glad that we didn't get around to doing up Kendra's room yet as I don't think I could have handled going into a room done up for her. She slept in our room and her clothes were in the study.

I have started her scrapbook. I have only done 1 page and don't really know what I am doing but it is interesting and I will learn as I go along. I will have to post some pictures of the pages as I finish them.

I have been considering stopping this blog. I have not felt like writing up anything for a while. I mean, who wants to read about my grieving. This was supposed to be a blog to keep people up to date about Kendra's progress. Maybe I should start a new one. I want to start a separate one for Branston anyway. Any thoughts? I can see by the comments that it is still being read and I thank you all for that and for all your comments. Strange as it may seem, they do help even when I don't know who they are coming from. So maybe I should carry on. I will see how it goes.

I would like to dedicate this song by Celine Dion to Kendra. I was going to have it sung at her memorial service but for some reason I didn't. I can't remember too much about my thinking back then. It is called Fly and could have been written for Kendra.

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set

But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
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