Monday, July 24, 2006

4 months

Isn't it strange how 4 months can seem like a lifetime? 4 months is a third of a year, half a pregnancy (well, mine anyway). On the one hand the year seems to have flown. I can't believe it is the end of July already, yet the last 4 months seems like an eternity. 4 short, but oh so long, months since I held my baby in my arms. Today has not been a good day, as you may be able to tell. And then this evening, for the first time since AK (after Kendra), Branston wanted to read to her when he did his reading homework. He used to do his reading while I gave her her bottle. So I took her picture down and put it on the table so that he could read to her.

On a different note, we had a lovely holiday. We took 2 weeks off during the school holidays. For the first week we went to Sun City. This was a gift from some very kind people. You know who you are. We cannot thank you enough. It was great to get away and spend time together without worrying about buying milk, feeding animals, cleaning house etc. We were able to spend time together and get used to being a family of 3 again. Branston had a ball. So many new experiences for him. I did have a few moments of sadness when I saw people with babies but we kept pretty busy so there was no time to dwell on what could have been. It was a great week.

The second week we spent at home painting Branston's room - doing our own extreme makeover! Well, not that extreme and we haven't finished yet but it is looking qutie good if I say so myself. I don't know if I have energy to do the rest of the house though, as is our intention. Painting is quite hard work, although rewarding. I am glad that we didn't get around to doing up Kendra's room yet as I don't think I could have handled going into a room done up for her. She slept in our room and her clothes were in the study.

I have started her scrapbook. I have only done 1 page and don't really know what I am doing but it is interesting and I will learn as I go along. I will have to post some pictures of the pages as I finish them.

I have been considering stopping this blog. I have not felt like writing up anything for a while. I mean, who wants to read about my grieving. This was supposed to be a blog to keep people up to date about Kendra's progress. Maybe I should start a new one. I want to start a separate one for Branston anyway. Any thoughts? I can see by the comments that it is still being read and I thank you all for that and for all your comments. Strange as it may seem, they do help even when I don't know who they are coming from. So maybe I should carry on. I will see how it goes.

I would like to dedicate this song by Celine Dion to Kendra. I was going to have it sung at her memorial service but for some reason I didn't. I can't remember too much about my thinking back then. It is called Fly and could have been written for Kendra.

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set

But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light


Clarissa said...

Vannessa, don't stop this blog. Dealing with grief is such an important part of life...and from all the comments I've read it really sounds like you are helping others. Even if everyone stops reading it (which I sincerely doubt), carry on...whether it's on this blog or another, don't stop talking, don't stop sharing - not only for yourself and your family, but it helps the rest of us to remember that we're not alone; that we're all linked by life, death and everything in between...that for the rest of our lives little Kendra will be whispering in God's ear that we always need help and guidance down here, and that we can't do it all by ourselves.
Love cxxx

Sherene Field said...

Hi 'Nessa, checking your blog and reading your feelings has become a daily routine of mine now, its so heart-warming to know that you had so much love in your heart for her, i am sad that i never got to meet her, and i am sure i would have loved her...
Everytime i see a member of our family they always comment on how when they look at me, all they see is you, and i smile when i hear it, i have always been proud of that comment, i have always looked up to you, even more so now than ever before. Dont stop sharing your feelings, there are always the people who love you that will read what comes from your heart.
It was really nice to see you have me email, if you ever come over here, my door is always open for you and your family!!!

Love always
Sherene Field

Anonymous said...

Hi Vannessa, please dont stop this blog. I know we dont speak very often but I always read your blog and seem to be close to you. Even though I did not meet Kendra, I knew all about her through mom.

Love you lots.

Anonymous said...

Hi V.
That song is soooo perfect. Thanks for sharing...and please don't stop the blog.
love kerry xxx

Anonymous said...

This is Susan again. I also recommend that you read the lyrics of the song by Diamond Rio "I Believe". We played this song at the memorial service we had for Aiden. I desperately miss my baby. I still read your blog though my little one is gone.

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