Thursday, July 16, 2009

Moving on...

My entire post was just deleted as I tried to publish it!! Thanks, Google! No wonder it has taken me this long to create a new blog! But I finally got around to it, a bit late for many pregnancy updates but anyhow...

I decided to create a new blog that was about the family and not just focussed on Kendra. Kendra's World was created to keep people up to date with my little angel's progress and then continued as a place to express my grief. But I have never felt very comfortable writing about anything non-Kendra related here. So, I kept waiting to get all my ducks in a row, ie get the right photos scanned in, find a catchy title, enough time to do it all, etc. Last week I had internet problems while setting it up and gave up. But now I decided to just do the bare minimum and get a post up, the rest can follow later (or not!). So please go to the Meiring Meanderings and check it out. I will still do the occasional update on Kendra's World so don't forget about it completely, but only now and again.

We are moving on but not forgetting, NEVER forgetting......

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Happy birthday, sweet angel

Dear Kendra

Happy birthday sweet angel. Four today! Hard to believe that 3 years have gone by since you left us. So sad that the only pictures I can post are of us at the memorial park.

We took 4 pink balloons and released them to fly away up to you. Daddy thought I was crazy, but I tried to tie 4 pink roses to the balloons as well. Granny bought you the roses. The first balloon flew away nicely but the other 3 sank onto the dam, the roses were a bit heavy for them! So we took the roses off and let the balloons go off on their own. We dropped the roses into the dam but the ducks tried to eat them. I hope we didn't kill off the memorial park ducks!!

I wish I knew what you would have looked like at 4. Branston was wondering too what you would have been doing. Would you have walked? Talked? What kind of treatments would we have followed to get you to where you should be? Would we have done the eye operation to open up your little eye? At least you don't need any of that now.

We are looking forward to the arrival of your new baby brother (who, according to the last scan, is totally ok, all measurements normal, everything looking good). It is very sad that he will never know his big sister. He kicks me a lot, reminding me of you when you were in my tummy. You also kicked me a lot, unlike Branston who was fairly still.

Anyway, little Kendra, we all miss you a lot - Mommy and Daddy and Branston and everyone else. We wish you were here with us today and always.



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

3 years

Wow, 3 years since our little angel left us. 3 years ago at this time I was still sitting at the hospital, none the wiser about what was in store.

When Kendra went in for her op the previous year in August I carried her through to the theatre. While we were at the door putting on our gowns and slippers to go in we heard someone in an adjoining room being given what was obviously very bad news. Listening to the woman's loud and anguished cries I remember thinking 'God, I hope that never happens to me, poor woman' before the nurses rushed me into the theatre. Little did I know. It is amazing how one thinks back to that moment of being told and of being taken through to the bed where my baby was waiting, barely conscious of all the people staring as we walked past. I don't know why I go back to those days as if it would make it less painful if I relive it or might make it go away. I even feel sorry for the other occupants of the ICU at the time. It was visiting hour and can't have been very pleasant for the visitors. Now, 3 years later and some of the initial raw pain has diminished but it is still there running down my face whenever I think about it.

I have been rather stressed out at work lately which really does not help things. I was supposed to take the whole day off today, but there is just so much to do. Also why I have been slack with doing postings on the blog. Just get so sick of the computer and it is easier to read other people's stories than write down my own. I am stopping work for the day now though and am going to pop in to visit a friend on my way to the memorial park. She is due any day now and her little angel is also resting at the memorial park so she knows some of what is going on with me at the moment.

So, on to some baby news. Baby is 19 weeks along now and all is going well. We went for a foetal assessment at 13 weeks and all measurements are average. Never did average sound so good! It is a boy, much to my son's delight. We have not chosen a name yet but Branston likes Mitchell. I am still undecided. Any ideas? My blood pressure has stabilised, aside from an overnight stay in the hospital when it got a bit high. This baby is taking after his sister as far as activity goes. He is already kicking me to bits and my tummy has grown considerably. I am really not looking forward to the last few months, remembering how uncomfortable I was before. I can't believe how uncomfortable I am already. I have another scan where we check all the organs and do a bunch of measurements on 8 April. I will try and do an update afterwards. Branston is going with as it is in the school holidays. He is very excited.

Friday, January 16, 2009

It's a what????

Well, long time no post. I suppose it is a good thing that I do not have a lot to post about. I think my feeling is that I have pretty much said all there is to say about my feelings of grief at losing a child. They have not gone away, they are ever present, just not so acute. I still cry whenever I see someone on TV being told that their loved one (be it a child, spouse whatever but especially a child) has died. There was an episode on CSI the other day where the CSI agent had to tell the mother that her son had been shot dead. OMG, 'snot en trane' (snot and tears for non S. Africans)! Had to fast forward through that section.

Moving along, so what do I have to post about now, you ask? Well, if you haven't guessed by now from the pic below, then I don't know! Ok, let me give you the juicy details. I am now almost 10 weeks pregnant. And no, it was not planned. I won't go into the details but it was a bit of a slipup and miscalculation on our side.

Once we got over the initial shock of finding out I was pregnant we had to deal with another. It might be twins! I went for an early scan due to my history and it showed a definite 2 sacs though 1 was much smaller than the other. The doc said this could be due to the fact that they were conceived at different times or else the smaller one was being reabsorbed. We had to wait 2 weeks over Christmas and New year to find out that it is only one. Obviously it was the second scenario.

I have found it quite difficult to tell my friends who have been struggling to conceive about the pregnancy as I know it must be hard for them to hear of 'accidents' when they are struggling. If they, or anyone else out there in the blogosphere, feel hurt by this news then I do apologise and I do try not to go on about it.

The dominant feelings I am having at the moment about this pregnancy is that I am scared. Not only scared that something will go wrong during the pregnancy but also afterwards. I think we will be on tenterhooks for the first 11 months of this baby's life. But it is still early days and for now we just have to get through the next few weeks, then the next few and so on. Lots of mixed feelings going on about getting all the recommended tests etc.

None of this is helped by the fact that I have developed high blood pressure. At my last appointment my BP was extremely high. I have been put on medication and have been on bedrest for the last week and a half. It seems to have stabilised now, thank goodness. I was having visions of having to be admitted and terminating the pregnancy and all sorts. I have a BP monitor so can keep track of it from home now. Bad news is that the high BP is probably going to stick around after the pregnancy and I may have to take medication forever.

Other than that I have been having quite bad morning/all day sickness and my hands and feet are already starting to swell up. I also suffer from restless feet during pregnancy but usually only near the end. Well it started a few weeks ago already and I am really battling to sleep at night, getting up at all hours to put my feet under the cold tap and putting cream on etc. In other words this pregnancy is really kicking my butt!!

I am thinking of starting a new blog to keep track of pregnancy and life afterwards but think I will wait to do that until after 12 weeks.
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