Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Saturday, September 09, 2006

K is for Kendra

I made this as a little something to wear close to my heart that makes me think of my baby. It is made of art clay silver and we (a group of friends and I) attended a half-day course and all made some lovely silver jewellery. Neat, hey?

Edited to add: Please note that the time on these posts is not the actual time. The server where these things are stored is in the USA or somewhere and it does not keep SA time. It is actually 5:30pm now.

Another tricky question.

Another Saturday, another tricky question. I went to the hairdresser today for the first time in absolutely ages. I mentioned something about my son and she asked 'Do you only have the one?' I really didn't feel like going into the whole story right then esp. with a total stranger. So I said yes. And then proceeded to feel really bad, as though I was denying her. So then I wanted to say 'Actually I have a daughter but she is in heaven now' but she kind of started talking about other things and to other people so I just kept quiet but it affected me so badly I was having hot flushes and wondered how nobody could notice how emotional I had become. But I seem to be quite good at covering up and aside from slightly teary eyes I looked ok. Anyway, had a strong cup of tea and felt a bit better afterwards.

Then I took Branston to a birthday party which was not too bad, I even played a bit of beach volleyball (well, attempted to). Then I was chatting to a lady about birthday parties and she said "oh, for your daughter?' and I said 'no, my son'. 'Oh, do you just have the one?' Well, what do you know. I think I just kind of changed the subject and moved off soon after that. Then the mother of the child whose birthday it was, had to express her sympathy and ask questions etc etc. and I could not get out of there fast enough.

So, all in all a delightful day! I have also had 2 dreams of Kendra in the past few days, after having only the one since she died. I was told to write down all the dreams I have of her in case I forget them so I hope you don't mind if I tell you all as well. Sharing is healing so they say.

Dream 1: This is the dream I had about a week after she died. She was lying on our bed but I knew that she was dead. For some reason her body had not been cremated and was returned to us. Then she turned her head, opened her eyes and looked at me. Then I woke up. That was a very bad day.

Dream 2: I had this dream on Thursday morning. I had stayed home with a migraine and was trying to sleep it off. I dreamed I was shopping with my mom and I was carrying Kendra around in my arms. We did a whole lot of shopping, they even gave me a chair to sit on while my mom paid for everything. Then it skipped to a bit later, myself, my mom and Branston were walking down a farmroad somewhere. Branston started telling my mom how I had been carrying Kendra and I said yes I was and my mom said something about having to accept that she is gone (in the nicest possible mom-like way) and it was as though it hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped dead in my tracks, Branston had wondered off somewhere, and it was like I couldn't stop this terrible sound coming out of me, I can't explain it. I woke up and was so sure that someone must have heard me but it was all in the dream.

Dream 3: This dream was this morning and it is mostly quite vague. It was almost like current day with no Kendra and we were out doing things. I think we were on holiday. I remember walking past some restaurants and trying to decide where to have lunch. Then we got to the place we were staying and suddenly realised that Kendra was in the bed there and we had forgotten to change her and feed her that morning. She was lying there quite happily, just sucking on her hand but was soaked through. A really awful feeling. How could we have forgotten our baby?

I suppose each dream is an indication of my mental state and one could analyse them to death but I won't right now. Just needed to write them down.

Monday, September 04, 2006

How is your baby?

How does one answer this question? How is your baby? Someone asked me this at a party this weekend. Obviously someone who does not know us very well. We see them every few months over dinner with lots of other people and talk is always general, not of a personal nature. I did not even know that they knew I had a baby. It knocked the wind right out of my sails. "Well, um, well, MY baby? My daughter you mean? Um, well you obviously don't know. Um, she died in March this year. 5 months ago. Umm........ yeah.' I have gone past the use of the phrase 'passed away'. Why should I try and make it sound any different than it is. She died. Deal with it. We have to every day.

Anyway, that was a bit of a conversation stopper. Although the others in the group I was standing in kind of covered up quite well with slightly high pitched light chatter, trying to cover up an awkward silence. I felt quite sorry for her, she did not know and why should she? But that is the kind of thing that gets to you, these things that hit you out of the blue, when you are trying to just have a bit of a good time for a change.

Also at this party was someone else who had a baby a week before I had Kendra. Her baby was there too, being ultra cute and walking around all over the show. Also quite tough. I am pretty sure that Kendra would not have been walking yet or even sitting for that matter. So it is difficult to look at another baby girl of the same age, yet maybe not as difficult as it might have been if I thought that Kendra could have been there playing with her, running around. We don't know what she would have been doing at 16 months. Will never know.

Spare a thought for baby Joseph's family. They are going through a tough time at the moment and I think of them a lot. My heart aches for Carole and the whole family.

Also some belated birthdays. I did not wish Rathla happy birthday because they do not have a computer at home so I doubt they will ever get to read this but anyway, someone can print it for him..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY RATHLA!!!!!!

Happy birthday Joanne for the other day. I hope you had a great day. Sorry a bit late.
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