Saturday, September 09, 2006

Another tricky question.

Another Saturday, another tricky question. I went to the hairdresser today for the first time in absolutely ages. I mentioned something about my son and she asked 'Do you only have the one?' I really didn't feel like going into the whole story right then esp. with a total stranger. So I said yes. And then proceeded to feel really bad, as though I was denying her. So then I wanted to say 'Actually I have a daughter but she is in heaven now' but she kind of started talking about other things and to other people so I just kept quiet but it affected me so badly I was having hot flushes and wondered how nobody could notice how emotional I had become. But I seem to be quite good at covering up and aside from slightly teary eyes I looked ok. Anyway, had a strong cup of tea and felt a bit better afterwards.

Then I took Branston to a birthday party which was not too bad, I even played a bit of beach volleyball (well, attempted to). Then I was chatting to a lady about birthday parties and she said "oh, for your daughter?' and I said 'no, my son'. 'Oh, do you just have the one?' Well, what do you know. I think I just kind of changed the subject and moved off soon after that. Then the mother of the child whose birthday it was, had to express her sympathy and ask questions etc etc. and I could not get out of there fast enough.

So, all in all a delightful day! I have also had 2 dreams of Kendra in the past few days, after having only the one since she died. I was told to write down all the dreams I have of her in case I forget them so I hope you don't mind if I tell you all as well. Sharing is healing so they say.

Dream 1: This is the dream I had about a week after she died. She was lying on our bed but I knew that she was dead. For some reason her body had not been cremated and was returned to us. Then she turned her head, opened her eyes and looked at me. Then I woke up. That was a very bad day.

Dream 2: I had this dream on Thursday morning. I had stayed home with a migraine and was trying to sleep it off. I dreamed I was shopping with my mom and I was carrying Kendra around in my arms. We did a whole lot of shopping, they even gave me a chair to sit on while my mom paid for everything. Then it skipped to a bit later, myself, my mom and Branston were walking down a farmroad somewhere. Branston started telling my mom how I had been carrying Kendra and I said yes I was and my mom said something about having to accept that she is gone (in the nicest possible mom-like way) and it was as though it hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped dead in my tracks, Branston had wondered off somewhere, and it was like I couldn't stop this terrible sound coming out of me, I can't explain it. I woke up and was so sure that someone must have heard me but it was all in the dream.

Dream 3: This dream was this morning and it is mostly quite vague. It was almost like current day with no Kendra and we were out doing things. I think we were on holiday. I remember walking past some restaurants and trying to decide where to have lunch. Then we got to the place we were staying and suddenly realised that Kendra was in the bed there and we had forgotten to change her and feed her that morning. She was lying there quite happily, just sucking on her hand but was soaked through. A really awful feeling. How could we have forgotten our baby?

I suppose each dream is an indication of my mental state and one could analyse them to death but I won't right now. Just needed to write them down.

1 comment:

clarissa said...

Oh, Vannessa...here's a great big hug from me to you.

These dreams must be really difficult for you, but as they say your dreams are often your thoughts all scrambled up...reflecting your deepest emotions, fears and thoughts. Kendra was extremely lucky to have you as her mom - still is. Never doubt that. You're an amazing person and your family are so lucky to have you in their lives.

Just something I wanted to share with you but never seem to find the appropriate moment: I was watching a programme on TV the other day about a family who had lost their father and brother in a tragic accident, and the interesting thing was that the mother said that she didn't want to 'start over' but rather she wanted to 'continue'. In other words not forget the past but take all the good with you. Don't know why I wanted to share this with you, but here it is anyway.

love & hugs, cxx

 
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