Monday, August 13, 2007

Rainbows and things

Here are some pictures I took from my car on the way to work the other day. (Finally managed to get all the pics up) It was a complete rainbow although I couldn't get the whole thing into 1 picture. Beautiful isn't it. Made it ok to be stuck in the traffic. Lucky for the traffic, actually, as I had time take the pics. I know it was just a rainbow and not a sign or anything but looking at it made me think of Kendra and just made me feel peaceful.

We went away for the weekend to a really lovely place a few hours away from Cape Town. We stayed in a house on a hill called Oppiekoppie guest house. Amazing views. It will be really nice in summer, a bit too cold to really appreciate it this time of year. There was snow on the surrounding mountains! But it was a nice weekend. Pity I had to work on Friday so could only go up on Friday evening. The others went up on Thursday already since it was a public holiday. Whenever we go away like this or do other things that would have been different if Kendra had been alive, I can't help thinking about how it would have been if she were there. Would we still have gone? What would we have done differently? Would she have been mobile enough so that I had to keep a constant look out by the fire etc?

She would have been 2 1/2 years old already. Though with the syndrome there is no guarantee that she would have been walking or talking yet. That is something that really gets to me sometimes. I want to know how she would have developed. I want to experience some of the problems that my special needs mom friends experience. Or my friends in the blog world. I was reading this the other day and then this. Ok it's a lot of reading but is the story of an amazing woman and the struggles she has gone through from losing one of her daughters in an early birth and then trying to deal with the problems associated with the other being born so early. I really feel for her yet I envy her at the same time. She has gone through such a lot but has seen the rewards of her struggles. I sometimes wonder why I was not given the chance to prove that I could deal with it, that I was up to the challenge. Did God/mother nature/fate decide that I/we would not cope? People always say that these special children were given to us for a reason. What then was the reason for taking some of them away again? Maybe it is better to believe that it was just random, that there is no God or other higher power looking out for us, because he sure as hell is not doing a very good job! Especially not with all the things one reads about on the internet and hears about on the news. I think shit happens and we just have to deal with it as best we can and that is it. No master plan or anything. That is easier to believe.

I was asked to give a talk at work about the special needs support group. I sent out an email to everyone at work looking for coke bottles and they have asked me to join them for a women's day lunch on Friday (a bit late for Woman's day but this is Cape Town) and give a talk on the group. To put it in South Africanese - I am kakking myself! I have never been very good at public speaking and this may just be emotional too. I don't think they realise that my daughter is no longer with us. Not that it matters to whether I speak or not. It will be good to let more people know about the group and maybe one day, when I get my ass into gear and establish a fund, I can get them to help with some fundraising. But most important there may be people out there who are looking for a support group like this. Funnily enough in a newsletter sent out today there was a link to a raffle which someone at work (in the Jhb offices I think) is having to raise money for his son who was born with a genetic disorder and needs a number of operations.

Lastly, I just want to say well done to my brother Ian and sister-in-law Sonja for getting their own blog up and running. For a bunch of bush babies you did a good job! Now we just need to get some pictures up!
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