Monday, August 13, 2007

Rainbows and things

Here are some pictures I took from my car on the way to work the other day. (Finally managed to get all the pics up) It was a complete rainbow although I couldn't get the whole thing into 1 picture. Beautiful isn't it. Made it ok to be stuck in the traffic. Lucky for the traffic, actually, as I had time take the pics. I know it was just a rainbow and not a sign or anything but looking at it made me think of Kendra and just made me feel peaceful.

We went away for the weekend to a really lovely place a few hours away from Cape Town. We stayed in a house on a hill called Oppiekoppie guest house. Amazing views. It will be really nice in summer, a bit too cold to really appreciate it this time of year. There was snow on the surrounding mountains! But it was a nice weekend. Pity I had to work on Friday so could only go up on Friday evening. The others went up on Thursday already since it was a public holiday. Whenever we go away like this or do other things that would have been different if Kendra had been alive, I can't help thinking about how it would have been if she were there. Would we still have gone? What would we have done differently? Would she have been mobile enough so that I had to keep a constant look out by the fire etc?

She would have been 2 1/2 years old already. Though with the syndrome there is no guarantee that she would have been walking or talking yet. That is something that really gets to me sometimes. I want to know how she would have developed. I want to experience some of the problems that my special needs mom friends experience. Or my friends in the blog world. I was reading this the other day and then this. Ok it's a lot of reading but is the story of an amazing woman and the struggles she has gone through from losing one of her daughters in an early birth and then trying to deal with the problems associated with the other being born so early. I really feel for her yet I envy her at the same time. She has gone through such a lot but has seen the rewards of her struggles. I sometimes wonder why I was not given the chance to prove that I could deal with it, that I was up to the challenge. Did God/mother nature/fate decide that I/we would not cope? People always say that these special children were given to us for a reason. What then was the reason for taking some of them away again? Maybe it is better to believe that it was just random, that there is no God or other higher power looking out for us, because he sure as hell is not doing a very good job! Especially not with all the things one reads about on the internet and hears about on the news. I think shit happens and we just have to deal with it as best we can and that is it. No master plan or anything. That is easier to believe.

I was asked to give a talk at work about the special needs support group. I sent out an email to everyone at work looking for coke bottles and they have asked me to join them for a women's day lunch on Friday (a bit late for Woman's day but this is Cape Town) and give a talk on the group. To put it in South Africanese - I am kakking myself! I have never been very good at public speaking and this may just be emotional too. I don't think they realise that my daughter is no longer with us. Not that it matters to whether I speak or not. It will be good to let more people know about the group and maybe one day, when I get my ass into gear and establish a fund, I can get them to help with some fundraising. But most important there may be people out there who are looking for a support group like this. Funnily enough in a newsletter sent out today there was a link to a raffle which someone at work (in the Jhb offices I think) is having to raise money for his son who was born with a genetic disorder and needs a number of operations.

Lastly, I just want to say well done to my brother Ian and sister-in-law Sonja for getting their own blog up and running. For a bunch of bush babies you did a good job! Now we just need to get some pictures up!


Clarissa said...

I usually try to shy away from religious discussions because they tend to land up in debates and even arguments, but this time I'm going to step out of my comfort zone, put myself on the line and tell you what I believe and how I see things. You, or anyone else reading this, don't have to agree with me, but this is how I view life and to me this is very real and truthful.
I don't believe life is meant to be perfect. Yes there is much suffering, injustice and pain. If we lived in a perfect world it wouldn't resemble what we have come to know as life: there would be no freedom of choice as we wouldn't be allowed/able to make the wrong decision which could hurt another, we wouldn't have to work, wouldn't have to experience hardship, there would be no lows - only highs, we would never die. But this is earth not heaven. What counts in this lifetime is HOW we handle things. From a Christian perspective, Jesus walks with us every second of everyday. It is up to us as to whether or not we want to invite him in. In this lifetime God doesn't prevent bad things from happening, if He did this wouldn't be life on earth, but heaven. He dislikes all the evil and sadness in this world even more than we do. Having said this, it is God who helps us through our trials, holds our hand when we are down, comforts us, strengthens us, carries us... This is what it's about. He carries us - this is our choice.
Life is an opportunity to get to know God (Jesus) better, because oneday when our life on this planet ends we'll be going home to him. Not as a servant, nope that's the angel's jobs, but rather as a child. We have a place in his house specially reserved for us if only we choose Him. If only we make Him the most important part of our lives. Kendra was perfect. Sinless. She is there with God right now. I know it's nice to think of Kendra as an angel, but she is so much more...she is a child in God's house with a loving Father who has welcomed her home, who is overjoyed that she is with him, so that she doesn't have to experience all the hardships in life. He loves her more than we an ever comprehend. She is His daughter too.
And one day, God willing, if we make an effort to walk the proverbial 'straight and narrow' and have built up a relationship with God, we will be welcomed into His house too, as Kendra was.
Jesus came to conquer death. And He did. One day when this life ends, it isn't death for all eternity if we haven't been model citizens, but if we've at least made an effort, Jesus having paid the price for our sins, allows us to step over from one life into the next. "Sunset in one land is Sunrise in another".
I know none of this is an immediate fix for how you feel. I can't even begin to imagine how I would be feeling if I was you. I respect your grief, your anger, your confusion. You're allowed.
Love c xx

Kery said...

Stunning pic of rainbow, yes I saw it too - kinda puts lots of things into perpective and makes us grateful for the smallest,most beautiful things in life.
Good luck for your talk, ask the powers that be for help and guidance, and you'll be just fine.

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