Babies everywhere

Sorry for being such a terrible blogger. I just have not being feeling like writing anything lately. It seems like pretty much everything has already been said. I still have ups and downs. I don't cry as much as I used to. I suppose that is a good thing. I need to get stuck into doing some more scrapbooking. I am having withdrawal symptoms. I think I will probably attend a class or 2. The shopping centre near us has expanded and they have a new scrapping shop which is doing classes.

Myself and Branston went for a walk around this new part of the centre yesterday and 9 people out of every 10 seemed to be carrying babies, generally girls. It was open season for babies. Now, generally I am ok with seeing babies but this was just so 'in your face' that it was just a bit much. Especially when I had just been asked by the mother of one of Branston's schoolfriends how my daughter was doing - 'She must be walking already'. I really thought all of them knew but obviously not. I found though that it is getting easier to tell people even when it catches me by surprise. Slightly easier but not easy, if you know what I mean.

I then went and dreamt last night of people asking me how she is. I think about 3 or 4 people asked me in my dream about her and I had to tell them what happened. Eventually it got a bit much.

This whole decision of whether to have another baby is also getting to me. We have talked about it and Gathry is not that keen for his own reasons. I think that I do have a need to have another baby but that is just it - a need for a baby but not necessarily a need for a child. It is difficult to explain. On the one hand, I want Branston to have a brother or sister (I actually don't mind which) but on the other hand, by the time they are old enough to play with him, he will be 10 or 11 and probably won't be interested. I think about the expense and work involved in having another child. The things that I want to do that we would have to put on hold. The thought that I am nearly 40 and I will be in my fifties during this child's teen years. What if there was a problem with the child and they needed lifelong care. Now don't get me wrong, I would happily have looked after Kendra as long as necessary and if I could choose I would want her back in a heartbeat. But knowing the challenges I would face do I want to risk it again? Do I want to risk heartbreak again? Some women whose blogs I have read, lost their babies and then went on to have a miscarriage. My heart just breaks for them. Can I go through that and come out in one piece?

On that note, I wish I could just dive into the internet and go and give Emma's mum a great big hug. Instead a big virtual hug to you, Emma's Mum. I am thinking of you and I hope others reading this will also send you and your family some love and support.

Anyway, Christmas is coming up soon. Without Kendra. She only had one Christmas with us but this Christmas is going to be a little bit empty (ok, a lot) without her.