Saturday, November 04, 2006

Babies everywhere

Sorry for being such a terrible blogger. I just have not being feeling like writing anything lately. It seems like pretty much everything has already been said. I still have ups and downs. I don't cry as much as I used to. I suppose that is a good thing. I need to get stuck into doing some more scrapbooking. I am having withdrawal symptoms. I think I will probably attend a class or 2. The shopping centre near us has expanded and they have a new scrapping shop which is doing classes.

Myself and Branston went for a walk around this new part of the centre yesterday and 9 people out of every 10 seemed to be carrying babies, generally girls. It was open season for babies. Now, generally I am ok with seeing babies but this was just so 'in your face' that it was just a bit much. Especially when I had just been asked by the mother of one of Branston's schoolfriends how my daughter was doing - 'She must be walking already'. I really thought all of them knew but obviously not. I found though that it is getting easier to tell people even when it catches me by surprise. Slightly easier but not easy, if you know what I mean.

I then went and dreamt last night of people asking me how she is. I think about 3 or 4 people asked me in my dream about her and I had to tell them what happened. Eventually it got a bit much.

This whole decision of whether to have another baby is also getting to me. We have talked about it and Gathry is not that keen for his own reasons. I think that I do have a need to have another baby but that is just it - a need for a baby but not necessarily a need for a child. It is difficult to explain. On the one hand, I want Branston to have a brother or sister (I actually don't mind which) but on the other hand, by the time they are old enough to play with him, he will be 10 or 11 and probably won't be interested. I think about the expense and work involved in having another child. The things that I want to do that we would have to put on hold. The thought that I am nearly 40 and I will be in my fifties during this child's teen years. What if there was a problem with the child and they needed lifelong care. Now don't get me wrong, I would happily have looked after Kendra as long as necessary and if I could choose I would want her back in a heartbeat. But knowing the challenges I would face do I want to risk it again? Do I want to risk heartbreak again? Some women whose blogs I have read, lost their babies and then went on to have a miscarriage. My heart just breaks for them. Can I go through that and come out in one piece?

On that note, I wish I could just dive into the internet and go and give Emma's mum a great big hug. Instead a big virtual hug to you, Emma's Mum. I am thinking of you and I hope others reading this will also send you and your family some love and support.

Anyway, Christmas is coming up soon. Without Kendra. She only had one Christmas with us but this Christmas is going to be a little bit empty (ok, a lot) without her.


Tertia said...

Shopping malls are a breeding ground for babies and pregnant women. I used to hate going there.

You know my thoughts on this one. I really, strongly feel you should have another baby. I understand your fear and your concerns, but I really think you should have another baby.

Sending you lots of love

Emma's Mum said...

I have not checked in with you for a while, but I have been thinking about you and wanted to thank you for your kind words......
I know how you feel about the questions....I just got an email from someone I worked with back in March right before Emma was born. All she said was "How is the baby?", but it put me in a funk for a few days. I mean do you write back and say - well, she died (and ruin her day), and just say nothing and only have your own day ruined? I chose to just ignore....but that is easier when it is an email and not in person. I don't think it will ever get easier....even if you can speak the words without crying it does not mean that you are not dying on the inside. Sorry you had to go through that.
I have been thinking so much about the holidays as well. First we have Thanksgiving coming up in 3 weeks - where my cousin will have her newborn baby girl twins. I have no idea how I am going to react.....probably lots of long walks!
I will be in touch.....please hang in there. And thank you again for being there for me.

Rosepetal said...

Thanks so much for the comment you left on my blog. I have read parts of your blog and about Kendra but have never commented.

I also wish you luck and the courage to try again. It's terrible, to have to try "again". Time drags us on whether we are kicking and screaming or not.

The photo of Kendra you have on your profile is just beautiful. What a beautiful baby girl! I am so sorry that both you and I have to spend Christmas and other family holidays with an empty space at the table. The space will never be filled and I believe the best we can do is to learn to live with that space until such time comes when we can be with our little ones again.

Thinking of you

Anonymous said...

Hi Vannessa
Amber and I went to visit Kendra yesterday. It was such a nice experience. We sat on her bench and talked to her and the little ducklings jumped out the water and came waddling along to us, looking expectantly for something to nibble on.
I got the distinct feeling whilst in prayer there, that another little soul is waiting to join your family. However, the choice is always yours.
with love and blessings as always
kerry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Hi V,

Good to see you are still hanging in there and being strong. You are all still in our prayers. As for having another baby don't let the age issue stop you. Our 'surprise' package (Teresa) was born a month before Deirdre turned 40. (She wont be happy with me givng her age away!) But at the end of the day the choice is yours. Just follow your instinct.

Michael from Joburg

Anonymous said...

This is Susan from VA (USA) again. I can't tell you whether or not you should have another baby. But I can tell you that I have an 11.5 year old boy and a 1.5 year old boy. Landon is so proud of his little brother, Gavin. Not only does he want to play with him constantly and want to show him off to all his middle school age buddies, but he also is a trememdous help with the baby. As you know we were to have another and there would have only been ~15 months b/w the youngest, but Aiden did not get to join us here on mortal earth. I hope Kendra is teaching him to rollover and crawl - sigh*--

Thanks for continuing the blog. I don't feel quite as alone or crazy for my feelings when I see someone else write something so similar to my own thoughts.

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