Monday, March 03, 2008


Well, it is March again. Not my favourite month. The 24th is a public holiday this year which is nice as then I don't have to take leave. It falls on Easter weekend - Ascension day. Strange huh?
There is a strange number thing going on at the moment. Lots of ones floating around. You like the new ticker box I put on the side? This evening I was not going to do a post but then Tertia told me that she had linked to me so I went to see what she had written and then came here. Check all the ones in the ticker box. Plus a few minutes ago the draft autosaved at exactly 11:11pm. And her syndrome is all about the 11th chromosome! I find numbers fascinating. For example Kendra was born at 1am on the 23/04/05 - 12345!

Interesting topic Tertia raised. It is strange how even though we know their spirits have left them, how we cling on to their bodies. I held Kendra for a long time after she died. I just could not bring myself to let her go. She just looked so peaceful, esp compared to earlier when she was in such pain. I sat in that armchair in the hospital for hours holding her. Eventually I got up to go to the toilet and my sister took her. When I got back and took her back again she was so heavy! Then I had to go. The phrase 'dead weight' just kept going through my mind, kind of made it sink in that she was gone. It was a Friday so there was nothing we could do about arrangements until the Monday. I also kept thinking about her being put into a cold room with no clothes on, in a freezer. I kept telling myself that once you are dead you are away from anything that happens to your body but the thought of her little body being so vulnerable, without us there to look after her..... strange how the mind works(or should I say the heart).

When we collected her ashes they were in a plastic bag in a cardboard box. A staff member of the funeral home was having an argument with a client because something had gone wrong with their funeral plans. Not a pleasant experience. Luckily we did not use them for more than the cremation. After that we went to the memorial park and got a nice urn from them and they arranged everything else.
Then the ashes had to be transferred. Now in the hospital Gathry was not able to hold Kendra as he found it too upsetting and maybe did not think he was strong enough. Yet he took those ashes, sifted out some bigger bits of bone and who knows what else, and transferred them to the urn and sealed it with silicone. I don't know where he got the strength for that. The picture of him doing that stays in my mind. Maybe actually having seen the ashes, touched them, helped us to know that they are not her and made it possible for us to put them into the ash grave in the memorial park. Sometimes I think back on that period and wonder how we made it through it, how we have managed to move on with our lives.

For us the memorial park was the way to go, for others like Tertia they are 'happier' to keep the ashes at home. Each person has their own way of dealing with loss and grief and what works for one may not work for another. We all have to find what works best for us. T, you keep those ashes at home as long as you need to. You will know when/if you are ready to move them.


Anonymous said...

Yes, it's March again, and my thoughts are very much with you and your family, in particular, this month.
Regarding a few of things that you have mentioned, regarding the difference in Kendra's weight after you picked her up after your sister had been holding her - they say that the soul does weigh something, and the difference is noticeable once it has left.
Also, read up about the number 11. It is a master number and a very spiritual one too.
love, hugs and blessings my dear friends.

Likely said...

i found your blog doing a search for how to help a friend through the loss of a child. my friend just lost a baby at 5 months along. how do I best help her. she does not live near me.

I am thinking about sending a card to her and her husband and sending a message attached to a balloon to send to her little one in heaven.

any advice?

Likely said...

i just read your post from a bit ago on this topic - it was great info. sorry I didn't read more before I wrote to you.

thank you.

my prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

I agree, everyone needs to do what they need to do to get through that loss. We also had our baby, that we lost at 7 months into the pregnancy, cremated and set up his urn and some other memoribilia on top of a utility cart in our home living area. I once asked my husband if we should move it as I was afraid it might make visitors uncomfortable and I liked his answer. He said that the items were not for visitors, they were for us; and if it bothered other people he didn't really care. That the people who visit who we really care about will understand and accept whatever we choose to do with what few memories we have of our baby.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Take care of yourself.

Susan from VA

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