March

Well, it is March again. Not my favourite month. The 24th is a public holiday this year which is nice as then I don't have to take leave. It falls on Easter weekend - Ascension day. Strange huh?
There is a strange number thing going on at the moment. Lots of ones floating around. You like the new ticker box I put on the side? This evening I was not going to do a post but then Tertia told me that she had linked to me so I went to see what she had written and then came here. Check all the ones in the ticker box. Plus a few minutes ago the draft autosaved at exactly 11:11pm. And her syndrome is all about the 11th chromosome! I find numbers fascinating. For example Kendra was born at 1am on the 23/04/05 - 12345!










Interesting topic Tertia raised. It is strange how even though we know their spirits have left them, how we cling on to their bodies. I held Kendra for a long time after she died. I just could not bring myself to let her go. She just looked so peaceful, esp compared to earlier when she was in such pain. I sat in that armchair in the hospital for hours holding her. Eventually I got up to go to the toilet and my sister took her. When I got back and took her back again she was so heavy! Then I had to go. The phrase 'dead weight' just kept going through my mind, kind of made it sink in that she was gone. It was a Friday so there was nothing we could do about arrangements until the Monday. I also kept thinking about her being put into a cold room with no clothes on, in a freezer. I kept telling myself that once you are dead you are away from anything that happens to your body but the thought of her little body being so vulnerable, without us there to look after her..... strange how the mind works(or should I say the heart).

When we collected her ashes they were in a plastic bag in a cardboard box. A staff member of the funeral home was having an argument with a client because something had gone wrong with their funeral plans. Not a pleasant experience. Luckily we did not use them for more than the cremation. After that we went to the memorial park and got a nice urn from them and they arranged everything else.
Then the ashes had to be transferred. Now in the hospital Gathry was not able to hold Kendra as he found it too upsetting and maybe did not think he was strong enough. Yet he took those ashes, sifted out some bigger bits of bone and who knows what else, and transferred them to the urn and sealed it with silicone. I don't know where he got the strength for that. The picture of him doing that stays in my mind. Maybe actually having seen the ashes, touched them, helped us to know that they are not her and made it possible for us to put them into the ash grave in the memorial park. Sometimes I think back on that period and wonder how we made it through it, how we have managed to move on with our lives.

For us the memorial park was the way to go, for others like Tertia they are 'happier' to keep the ashes at home. Each person has their own way of dealing with loss and grief and what works for one may not work for another. We all have to find what works best for us. T, you keep those ashes at home as long as you need to. You will know when/if you are ready to move them.