2 years ago...

at about this time my baby died. 2 long years. Yet they seem to have gone so quickly. I cannot believe she has been gone so long yet sometimes it seems just like yesterday that it all happened.

2 years ago I went home from the hospital to spend an hour with my husband and son.

2 years ago I received a phone call from the hospital saying I must please get back to the hospital, she's taken a turn for the worse.

2 years ago I went through a red traffic light to get back to the hospital.

2 years ago when I tried to go to her they turned me away and said the medical team was still working on her.

2 years ago we had to wait in the waiting room, knowing that the news was going to be bad, yet hoping against hope that it would not be.

2 years ago right now the doctor was saying he's sorry, they tried for 40 minutes but couldn't save her.

2 years ago I knew what it felt like to lose a child.

2 long years ago.

I miss you, my baby, I know you will always be with me in my heart, I just wish it was in person. Mommy and Daddy and Branston will always love and miss you very much.

Linking

It is 6 months since little Chad gave up his struggle. He blessed his parents with 2 days of his life. Lucy, Mike and Jordan we are thinking of you today.

Also thinking of Rosepetal. She is about 2 weeks away from delivering a healthy baby. Please all send all your energy to her, she has been through a really rough time and this pregnancy has not been easy.

If anyone is interested in helping with research for preemie babies then go visit Liz. She is collecting for the March of Dimes. They have a big walk on 26 April to raise money for this worthy cause. Unfortunately I can't join them on the walk, firstly since it is our 40th party that day and secondly, there is a bit of a distance issue! But I will be donating some money, not too much with our terrible exchange rate, but every little bit helps. And it is perfectly easy to do if you go through the link she provides. I gave a little last year and I even got a thank you note in the post (snailmail).

Old baby things

We hauled some boxes out from the storeroom yesterday to sort out some of Branston's old toys to give to charity. Most of the boxes had baby stuff in them, a lot of it Branston's old stuff but quite a bit was Kendra's too or stuff that we were keeping for her. It still hurts to look at certain things especially those that were specifically hers.
Every time we sort out old things of hers I throw a little bit more out but there are some things I just cannot get rid of. Strange how it feels almost like a betrayal to get rid of things, even if you give them to family or to needy babies. Even things that she never got to use, like her rocking horse (still in the garage).
Almost 2 years, can you believe it!

Meme

I have never been tagged to do a meme before but I have seen this one doing the rounds so I thought I would just do it of my own accord.
The rules are simple. Look up from the computer, look around the room where you're sitting and pick up the closest book. And closest really means closest. No cheating by running upstairs to unearth your pink-highlighted college copy of The Critique of Pure Reason or the Prolegomena. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.

Ok, the first few times I read it was at work and the closest book around was the telephone directory so I thought I would leave it till I got home and use the book I am reading at the moment. It is difficult to know what to put down here as the page starts in the middle of a sentence so I excluded that one. The there is a paragraph of medical terms which are not really complete sentences so I will count the paragraph as 1 sentence. Here goes:
It lives in a deeply grooved area on either side of the brain called the sylvian fissure and impairs both the speech areas and those controlling fine motor skills. BPP is sometimes accompanied by cerebral palsy, causing even greater motor difficulties and loss of control of voluntary muscles. None of this had manifested itself in Schuyler in any dramatic form.

The book is Schuyler's Monster by Robert Rummel-Hudson. I ordered it online last year and it only just arrived (had to wait for it to become available in SA). I often read Rob's blog so I know his story in as far as he has talked about it on the blog but the book makes for fascinating reading. I am sure I will pass it on to the rest of my special needs support group.
I am not going to tag anyone specific but I challenge anyone who hasn't done it yet to do the meme and leave a comment either with your results or pointing to your blog where you have it up.

March

Well, it is March again. Not my favourite month. The 24th is a public holiday this year which is nice as then I don't have to take leave. It falls on Easter weekend - Ascension day. Strange huh?
There is a strange number thing going on at the moment. Lots of ones floating around. You like the new ticker box I put on the side? This evening I was not going to do a post but then Tertia told me that she had linked to me so I went to see what she had written and then came here. Check all the ones in the ticker box. Plus a few minutes ago the draft autosaved at exactly 11:11pm. And her syndrome is all about the 11th chromosome! I find numbers fascinating. For example Kendra was born at 1am on the 23/04/05 - 12345!










Interesting topic Tertia raised. It is strange how even though we know their spirits have left them, how we cling on to their bodies. I held Kendra for a long time after she died. I just could not bring myself to let her go. She just looked so peaceful, esp compared to earlier when she was in such pain. I sat in that armchair in the hospital for hours holding her. Eventually I got up to go to the toilet and my sister took her. When I got back and took her back again she was so heavy! Then I had to go. The phrase 'dead weight' just kept going through my mind, kind of made it sink in that she was gone. It was a Friday so there was nothing we could do about arrangements until the Monday. I also kept thinking about her being put into a cold room with no clothes on, in a freezer. I kept telling myself that once you are dead you are away from anything that happens to your body but the thought of her little body being so vulnerable, without us there to look after her..... strange how the mind works(or should I say the heart).

When we collected her ashes they were in a plastic bag in a cardboard box. A staff member of the funeral home was having an argument with a client because something had gone wrong with their funeral plans. Not a pleasant experience. Luckily we did not use them for more than the cremation. After that we went to the memorial park and got a nice urn from them and they arranged everything else.
Then the ashes had to be transferred. Now in the hospital Gathry was not able to hold Kendra as he found it too upsetting and maybe did not think he was strong enough. Yet he took those ashes, sifted out some bigger bits of bone and who knows what else, and transferred them to the urn and sealed it with silicone. I don't know where he got the strength for that. The picture of him doing that stays in my mind. Maybe actually having seen the ashes, touched them, helped us to know that they are not her and made it possible for us to put them into the ash grave in the memorial park. Sometimes I think back on that period and wonder how we made it through it, how we have managed to move on with our lives.

For us the memorial park was the way to go, for others like Tertia they are 'happier' to keep the ashes at home. Each person has their own way of dealing with loss and grief and what works for one may not work for another. We all have to find what works best for us. T, you keep those ashes at home as long as you need to. You will know when/if you are ready to move them.