January

So far 2007 has not lived up to expectations. I won't go into all the details but I think I was expecting to feel different in the new year or something or was hoping things would go right. Well, some things are not so bad I suppose. My sister and Gathry's sister and his cousin are all getting married within the space of 2 months. Also a firend from my book club is getting married so I guess that makes it 4 weddings and a funeral. I don't mind more weddings but please no more funerals.

Speaking of which, Tuesday was very difficult. I took a tablet to calm me down beforehand but I am thinking that maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have let myself fall apart a little, I had very supportive friends with me. It was a beautiful service, the priest told little anecdotes and had a really good singing voice. I almost came unglued when they walked in with the coffin. So small. We all sang the song 'Jesus loves me' while they walked in. Just the first 2 verses, they go like this:
Jesus loves me! this I know,For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;they are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!Yes, Jesus loves me!Yes, Jesus loves me!The Bible tells me so.
I thought it was perfect for a child's funeral. The tribute given by D's friend Lynet was also extremely touching. D asked her to also read out Welcome to Holland. Another tough moment.
At the end the priest took out some sort of instrument like a trumpet but not quite the same, I have no idea what it was, and played the tune to 'You raise me up'. That had us all in tears. It was so beautiful. Just like I always think of Kendra's memorial when I hear 'The Rose', I will always think of Meah when I hear that song.

We went to the house for tea afterwards and I had a chance to chat to D. She is taking it very well at the moment but as she says she is still in shock. It felet at the same time good and awful to be able to honestly say to her 'I know how you feel'. Good because she knows I mean it and I can try and help her and can understand a little, and obviously awful that we both had to go through it. This is not something you relish having in common with anyone. Anyway, I am glad I went, esp when I saw how she appreciated it. We (few ladies from the special needs group) are meeting next week with D for coffee (or something stronger if necessary). She also lives not far from where I work so I think we may go for lunch sometime too. I know I appreciated being able to talk to someone who has been through the same thing.

Anyway, some updates on my holiday. I flew to PE to fetch Branston. Shame, he was very clingy the whole week, 2,5 weeks was a long time for him to be away from his mommy. We drove through to EL with my parents to visit them there for the week. It was very nice to relax and not do too much. And, big surprise, my grandmother (dad's side) and aunt arrived out of the blue for a surprise visit. I have not seen them since I got married in 1993 so that was great. After they left I did some scrapbook shopping with my mom (spent way too much, shh dont' tell Gathry) and we spent a few days doing some scrapbooking. My mom has made the most wonderful scapbook of Kendra. I took some photos and will post some of them soon. We swapped ideas and little bits and bobs to use for our books. Hers was almost complete but then I gave her some new (well, not new, but pics she didn't have yet) photos so she will probably add some more pages.

Then we came back to our normal routine. On one hand I was glad to be back (missed hubby) but on the other it is a bit of a drag to have to start worrying about school and work and homework etc etc. Our New year's resolutions are to get organised (nowhere with that) and have some fun this year (working on that) besides trying to get fit, lose weight and all those boring things. I'll let you know how those work out.

I haven't been out to the memorial park to visit Kendra yet this year but then I don't really see it as visiting her because as her brother says she is in our hearts so we don't have to go anywhere to visit her. Out of the mouths of babes...

Oh, before I go, there was one sad moment (well more than one while scrapbooking) while we were in the scrapbook shop. There was a couple there with a little baby and while the mommy looked around the daddy and baby sat at a table to wait. When we walked past Branston started playing his hide and seek game that he used to play with Kendra. The little girl loved it, she was so cute. Branston told the man that he played this game with his sister and of course he asked how old she was. Branston had to think a bit and said 1 year old, then I told them that his sister had passed away. Just watching Branston play with the little baby made me so sad to think that he can never do that with his own little sister again. Life (or rather death) is so unfair. It really sucks.

Another farewell

A very sad farewell to little Meah. She was one of our special children in our special needs group K.I.D.S. Meah passed away while in the hospital with pneumonia on Saturday. She was about 2 years old. Can everyone please spare a thought for Deidre and her family tomorrow. The funeral is at 10am.

It will be very hard but I feel that I have to go to try and give as much support as I can. Although I am not sure if I will be of any help to anyone. I will be giving more of an update of how 2007 has been for me later. Now is not the time.

Welcome to 2007

A happy new year to everyone. May 2007 be a lot better than 2006. I am sure it could not possibly be any worse. Although when I say that I think about Catherine and how she may have said the same thing at the end of 2005 about 2006. To her and all the other blog writers (and others) who have lost babies in recent years, I hope that 2007 brings only good luck and happiness. Of course we will always remember our little angels with sadness and regret that they could not be here to share this year with us, but I am sure that they would want us to move on and be as happy as possible. Sometimes that is easier said than done but I am going to try my damndest (is there such a word?) to be happy and forget - not the past year as there were quite a few happy times, and not my baby as that is impossible, and actually one cannot forget the pain either as that is now a part of me so, no, not forget but just be happy.

And my husband left this comment to my last post and asked me to post it so here goes:

"Firstly, I would like to praise Vannessa on being a strong, wonderful, caring and inspirational mother and wife. We have been together for 17 years and never have I had one moment of regret. This year has been the worst and we can only be grateful that we have Vannessa’s strength and unique personality to support us. Thank you to my very special wife, partner and friend.

Secondly, Sitting at the Christmas Table having the whole Family there except my sister made me realise that we need to reach out to the parents with living kids to prevent devastating regret should they experience the death of a child. My sister’s kids where at the table without their mother or father because of divorce, family disagreements, etc, etc.

If you read this and know people who are neglecting their children maybe show them to one of these many blogs so that they can feel the heartache because they need to cherish what they have regardless of the irrelevant “situation” that they are in.

Thank you for the support you have given Vannessa and hopefully 2007 will be a better year for all.

Gathry

PS. Vannessa, I would like you to post this message."