362 days...

Yes, it is 362 days since my little angel left me. Left us, her family. Exactly a year today since she fell ill. Today was a public holiday. We went for a picnic on a wine farm this year, maybe hoping that being out of the house would make things easier. Well, deja vu, we spent the day with the same people we were with last year, very good friends who have always been there for us, especially immediately afterwards. So who better to spend the day with? Unfortunately the memories persist in coming back along with those rib-tightening feelings of loss and sadness.

The day (last year) began innocently enough. I was trying to get back into shape and decided to take advantage of the holiday to have a marathon session in gym so off I went, knowing the kids were safe in Gathry's capable hands. When I returned our friends were here having popped in for a surprise visit. So we convinced them to stay for lunch and we should have had a marvelous day. Then Kendra started throwing up and developed a bit of a fever. By the afternoon I decided to take her to the doctor and got the doc on standby (not her normal doctor but he knew her condition) to go into the surgery to check her out. I even put on the urine collection bag so that he could check her urine. I had a few spare at home for just this eventuality.

So we took her in (myself and Y) leaving the men to hold the fort. The doc said that Kendra had tonsillitis and prescribed some antibiotics which we picked up from the hospital pharmacy immediately. The urine sample had some slight sign of infection which he said the antibiotics should sort out. Except I could not get her to keep anything down, especially the antibiotics. I tried to give her plenty of fluids but she did not want anything and kept throwing up. I expected to be up all night with her but she actually slept through. Not unusual for her as she always slept through but a bit of a worry when she was sick.

The next morning I could tell that she was really not well as she was very limp and not looking so great. When I took her in to see her normal doctor, she took one look at her and said she was dehydrated and must be admitted to hospital immediately. And so began the last few days of her life and the start of a long period of hell for us. Little did we know that day what was in store for us over the next few weeks and months of our lives.

I have never really gone into much detail about those last few days on this blog and am still not sure how much I can tell you, mainly because much of it is a blur to me. Over the next few days I will be going back down that particular memory lane. Why, you may ask? I don't know. I think I just feel the need to relive it and maybe, just maybe, I can begin to heal. My heart will always be broken but maybe the band-aids holding it together will strengthen and more scar tissue will form and maybe one day I won't need band-aids anymore but one thing I know for sure is that the scars will always be there, maybe slightly less red and vivid over time but always there.

I wanted to tell you about my sister's wedding as well but that can wait for a later post, when I manage to post pictures again (still having problems with blogger) and this crappy time of the year is over.

I also want to say to Tertia how terribly sorry I am. I wish you did not have to go through this and experience those awful feelings again. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. {{{BIG HUG}}}