Sunday, June 11, 2006

To my sweet Kendra

I miss you so much. I think of you all the time. Not an hour goes by when you are not in my thoughts. Is that wrong? Is that obsessive? Some might think so. Silly little things make me think of you.

Whenever I use Spray and Cook on the pans when cooking I want to go and do it by the window because that is what I did when you were watching me cook. Whenever we go anywhere I keep thinking that I don't have everything because I am not used to taking so little with me. With you here, it was nappies and bottles and changes of clothing etc. When I drive past Baby City and the other baby shops on the way to your brother's school I still think of going in to buy you stuff.

When my friends are all bleary eyed from lack of sleep because their baby is teething, I wish I could have no sleep for that reason. Or have to wake up at 6am after a party. Gosh, I really love my sleep and here I am wishing for less of it!

I don't like it when people talk about hospitals and doctors because it makes me think of your last week. I was at a talk a few weeks ago where the speaker was a doctor and he was joking about heart monitors and flatlining and stuff. I almost left the room. I think I hyperventilated a bit. Nobody noticed, I don't think. I keep thinking about the last time we made eye contact. You looked straight at me and I could see so much pain in your eyes, yet I couldn't help you. I felt so powerless. Yet that helps me now sometimes because I know you are free of that pain, of any pain. At least you did not have to continue suffering.

I sometimes wonder if you would have been sitting yet. You were very close. You were just starting to roll over nicely, with a bit of encouragement. We have been wondering if we should have another baby. I don't know, Kendra, you are a hard act to follow. Nobody could take your place and I wouldn't want anyone to. Time will tell.

I must go to bed now, my angel. It is late. I can't say I will dream of you because strangely I have only had one dream of you since that day. It was probably too upsetting for me so hasn't happened again. Good night, baby doll, I love you.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi V.
Amber has been talking a lot lately of Kendra. She says she misses her so much. Today she came to me with the card from the memorial service and we looked at all the pictures again. She's asked to go and visit Kendra, so we'll probably pop through this weekend.
I'm so glad that you have this blog. As I said before it helps to understand what you're going through. It's also difficult for us, we don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are hurting, but we also want to talk about Kendra, but sometimes I wonder if it's ok, or is the wrong time, if it is, please just say so.
I am gladdened to hear that you are thinking of perhaps having another baby. No one could ever take Kendra's place, but that's not the object. Kendra was such a happy little soul, a sure 'smile-spreader!' However there is probably another gorgeous little soul just waiting to incarnate into your family, to be loved and cuddled, nurtured and to give a lot of nurturing back.
Your blog is so thought-provoking. Thank you for keeping it up.
God bless. kerry xx

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Hi V.
Amber has been talking a lot lately of Kendra. She says she misses her so much. Today she came to me with the card from the memorial service and we looked at all the pictures again. She's asked to go and visit Kendra, so we'll probably pop through this weekend.
I'm so glad that you have this blog. As I said before it helps to understand what you're going through. It's also difficult for us, we don't want to hurt you anymore than you already are hurting, but we also want to talk about Kendra, but sometimes I wonder if it's ok, or is the wrong time, if it is, please just say so.
I am gladdened to hear that you are thinking of perhaps having another baby. No one could ever take Kendra's place, but that's not the object. Kendra was such a happy little soul, a sure 'smile-spreader!' However there is probably another gorgeous little soul just waiting to incarnate into your family, to be loved and cuddled, nurtured and to give a lot of nurturing back.
Your blog is so thought-provoking. Thank you for keeping it up.
God bless. kerry xx

Tertia said...

This is a beautiful letter, and I am so glad you wrote it. Even if it did make me cry a little. But it right that we remember her, whether it with smiles or a few tears. Sometimes both.

Having another baby wont ever replace darling Kendra, she will always always be your baby girl and will always live in your heart. Yet, another baby does bring so much joy. It is hard to imagine feeling joy again, but you do.

And when your next little baby is there, you will find that joy and longing live side by side in your heart. The rawness of the pain and the sadness fade with time, but the longing never does. And it is nice in a way, because that longing is a forever reminder of the beautiful little girl who was here for such a short time.

Keep on writing, keep on getting your feelings out, it is so important. And dont let anyone dictate to you how long you grieve for, or how you grieve. We all grieve differently, you take as long or as short as you need to work through each of these exceptionally painful stages of grief.

We know you are not sad all the time, we know that you are able to see the other joys in your life. But we also know that no matter how much joy there is, your heart will always miss your little girl. And this is fine, that is completely normal.

Two and a half years later I still have longing in my heart, and there are still days that I miss my son so much that my heart aches and my eyes well up. But the days are fewer, and joy and longing have found a comfortable place to live side by side in my heart.

Much love
Tertia

suzanne said...

thinking of you Vanessa. This was a beautiful letter to Kendra and a true testament of your love for her.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading all about your new journeys.

Nobs said...

Hi V
Beautiful letter to Kendra which I'm sure she appreciates. I strongly believe that when our loved ones pass they are still around us, aware of us and part of our lives - just on a different level. Keep on talking to Kendra - even if you are not able to buy her little things any more, she is still with you every minute of every day. And when you are ready to have another baby, go ahead and have one - that little person is going to have a wonderful sister-angel to take care of him/her! Some people live for 70 years without making a difference in other people’s lives – Kendra touched people’s lives and made a difference in less than a year. Thinking of you daily. Celesté

miraclebaby said...

That is so sweet... you have touched me.

Schnozz said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know the pain will never really go away, but I hope it becomes easier for you to bear over time.

 
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