I miss you so much. I think of you all the time. Not an hour goes by when you are not in my thoughts. Is that wrong? Is that obsessive? Some might think so. Silly little things make me think of you.
Whenever I use Spray and Cook on the pans when cooking I want to go and do it by the window because that is what I did when you were watching me cook. Whenever we go anywhere I keep thinking that I don't have everything because I am not used to taking so little with me. With you here, it was nappies and bottles and changes of clothing etc. When I drive past Baby City and the other baby shops on the way to your brother's school I still think of going in to buy you stuff.
When my friends are all bleary eyed from lack of sleep because their baby is teething, I wish I could have no sleep for that reason. Or have to wake up at 6am after a party. Gosh, I really love my sleep and here I am wishing for less of it!
I don't like it when people talk about hospitals and doctors because it makes me think of your last week. I was at a talk a few weeks ago where the speaker was a doctor and he was joking about heart monitors and flatlining and stuff. I almost left the room. I think I hyperventilated a bit. Nobody noticed, I don't think. I keep thinking about the last time we made eye contact. You looked straight at me and I could see so much pain in your eyes, yet I couldn't help you. I felt so powerless. Yet that helps me now sometimes because I know you are free of that pain, of any pain. At least you did not have to continue suffering.
I sometimes wonder if you would have been sitting yet. You were very close. You were just starting to roll over nicely, with a bit of encouragement. We have been wondering if we should have another baby. I don't know, Kendra, you are a hard act to follow. Nobody could take your place and I wouldn't want anyone to. Time will tell.
I must go to bed now, my angel. It is late. I can't say I will dream of you because strangely I have only had one dream of you since that day. It was probably too upsetting for me so hasn't happened again. Good night, baby doll, I love you.
At long last Kendra's plaque has been completed and she was finally laid to rest. Exactly 3 months to the day after she died. We (just the family and the nanny) went out yesterday morning so that we could place her ashes into the grave and have it sealed. The plaque/gravestone is beautiful. The picture of her came out really well. There isn't really much more to say. Rest in peace, my beautiful baby.
