Happy Birthday sweet little girl

Happy Birthday my angel. 2 years old today! We should be having a party and inviting all your little friends, but instead we will be going to the memorial park with some flowers and balloons. Life is just not fair.

I took the day off work today. I was not sure if I would be up to going in to the office and anyway we have to go out to the park today and not yesterday or whenever it is convenient but today. I have not written anything up since the last post mainly because I have been trying to post some pictures but I really don't know what is wrong, I just cannot upload any photos. I even decided to get set up on Flickr so that I could put the photos there first and link to them but even that does not want to load my pics. I think there is some settings on my PC that are wrong. If anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Branston's Oupa is here to paint some murals on his bedroom wall and I would really love to post the pictures of the finished product on Branston's blog but I cannot even do that.

My plans for this morning were to drop Branston at school and come home and update the blog and then do some scrapbooking. Well, first I had to go and buy some cleaning stuff which took longer than I thought, probably because I bought more than I intended to and then came home and the people were here to fix the pool and then the dog ran away and I had to drive around looking for her (she eventually came back by herself!) so my morning is pretty much stuffed.

I don't think I ever told too many people that I went on antidepressants last year. Things just got too much for me and I just couldn't deal with this constant despair. So my doctor gave me some Cipralex and they really worked wonders. I felt much better able to deal with things, but by January this year I started feeling that I was dealing with them too well and not feeling as deeply as I should be feeling. Difficult to explain I suppose but I have been able to cover up my emotions very well. So that's great you say? Yeah, I suppose so but it just did not feel right somehow. Well, a few weeks ago I forgot to renew my prescription and for a few days after the tablets were finished, I did not have time to get to the pharmacy. Then I thought, well, I haven't taken one for 5 days and I feel fine so why don't I just stop now and not buy more. Well, let me tell you the effects of stopping only really kick in a week after one has stopped taking them. Physically for quite a while I was feeling very lightheaded and strange. Purely by coincidence Tertia did a post at about the same time about her problems with ADs and the link that she gave was quite useful (I will link to it later, my PC is acting up again).

Anyway, I am feeling things now, all right. March and April have become my least favourite months. I have been crying at the drop of a hat, well at least my eyes get all teary and then I try and hide it from everyone. And I have been so irritable. Poor Gathry and Branston get snapped at all the time for no reason. Hopefully things will improve soon. Roll on May. But then May is a very difficult month for some other people too. I read quite a few other blogs which is not a good thing to do over lunch at work because at the moment most of them are making me get all leaky, between anniversaries gone and coming up and sick children etc, I think I must only read blogs at night at home. And my memory is just terrible. One does not realise what a physical impact losing someone close to you has. It is as bad as pregnancy! I just cannot remember things! I certainly hope it improves over time.

My darling Kendra, I hope that you are having a glorious day up in heaven. I know that you have got lots of little friends there, I hope you throw a great big party for all of them. I try and imagine what you would have looked like today and if you would have started walking yet, and talking. I can't even look at another 2 year old and say you would have been like that. I have to look at other little girls like Charli and Tessa and just wonder.... Granny is putting some flowers by your photo at her house, just pop in there and say hi on your way to your party ok? She has finished her scrapbook as well, I will put some photos up when I can. Anyway, I love you my angel and miss you like crazy.