Please sign my guestbook

Who are you? I would really, really like to know who reads my blog. Even if you don't want to tell me your real name, I am interested to know why you read what I write. I never thought I would ever write stuff that other people would want to read about. But here we are. Me writing and you reading, because of one little girl who is really being missed today, 5 months after she left us physically. But I felt really close to her today, like she was here with me, almost comforting me. No tears yet for the 24th but there is still bedtime.

So please leave a comment, telling me who you are and why you read my blog. I would really like to hear from you all out there in blogland.

Congratulations

Happy Birthday to Kayleigh!















Congratulations to Tammy, Dave and Connor on the birth of little Courtney. She is gorgeous! I will put more pics on K.I.D.S group blog later.

Other blogs

First of all, some pictures which I modified. I removed the background and just made it all one colour. Not too shabby if I say so myself. The top picture is of Kendra at about 1 1/2 weeks old on my mom's arm. The second one is her foot with her brother's. Also taken at the same time.

I have been reading a number of blogs over lunch and in the evenings. I hope they don't mind me mentioning them here. One of my favourites is a colleague and friend of mine, Tertia. Her blog, So Close, started off as her journey through infertility and was a way to express her feelings during this time. Now, after many, many sorrows and difficult paths, she has been blessed with a gorgeous set of twins. I read her blog because she is witty, insightful and basically tells it how she sees it. If swearing offends you then don't read it, but I find it refreshing, plus there are pics of the beautiful babes in it. Tertia also suffered losses on her path to becoming a mom and it has been good to speak to someone who can identify with how I feel.

I don't know why I am so compelled to read blogs written by women who have recently lost babies, maybe it is that I can identify with how they feel. I read their blogs and think 'Yes! that is exactly how I am feeling!'. Sometimes it can be a bit depressing and make me sad, but more than that I want to see how they are doing, not because I want to read about their suffering but because I want to see how they are coping. Sometimes they will have a very sad post, sometimes negative and sometimes hopeful. I like to sometimes leave a comment in the hopes that it will help a little but I know that there is not much that does. These are the ones I read most often:
http://everythingisundercontrol.blogspot.com/
http://missingspeedjr.blogspot.com/
http://allaboutbabydrew.blogspot.com/
http://thejourneyfromhere.spaces.live.com/ (This one is a bit different as the baby is not yet born. My heart just aches for that family.)

I also read about some very special little children with special needs. I love to read about their progress and think about how Kendra would have been doing now. These are my favourites:
http://www.micropreemietwins.blogspot.com/
http://belovedmonsterandme.blogspot.com/
http://www.indecisivegirl.blogspot.com/
http://babababies.com/view/view.cfm?SiteID=31032
http://cerebralpalsybaby.blogspot.com/
http://www.lebers.co.za/index.html

Then there is the world of infertility to which I have been introduced by Tertia. Although I cannot identify with these women as I fell pregnant fairly easily, I have come to understand a small part of what they go through by reading Tertia and other's blogs(and soon to read Tertia's book).
http://nobs2.blogspot.com/
http://thenakedovary.typepad.com/the_naked_ovary/
http://alittlepregnant.typepad.com/
http://julia.typepad.com/julia/

And when I need some non-child related reading:
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/

If any of the above people should read my blog and object if I put links in on the side to yours please let me know.

I would also like to know who is reading my blog and why. But I am going to create a separate post as a guest book as I have seen some other clever bloggers do so hold on till I do that and then please tell me who you are. But not yet!! Wait!

It's hard

It's hard to believe that a person can shed so many tears.

It's hard to believe that it's only been 4 1/2 months.

It's hard to believe that the world can continue like nothing happened.

It's hard to believe that some people expect you to 'get over it'.

It's hard to believe that I will never get over it. And I know I won't.

It's hard to believe that the world was once sunny and bright. It seems very dull now.

It's hard to believe my little angel would have been 15 months old already.

It's hard to believe she is gone.

It's just hard, that's all.

Something else...

I thought I would write about something else today. I watched a program on TV the other day about violence in schools . It scared me. How do you protect your child from other children at school? It has gone beyond 'normal' bullying and seems to be much more violent. I used to hear the odd story about a child that was stabbed on the Cape flats or somewhere else and I would think that something like that will never happen where I live. But it is happening all over. Middle class and more affluent areas are affected just as much as the so-called poorer areas. Branston is in a private school because we thought that he would have more opportunities, be more protected, have a better chance in life. But the kids in private schools generally have more money to spend on drugs and other things. I am not saying that all kids in private schools use drugs but you cannot say that there is less of it there than in public schools.

I blame TV and movies for the violence. Ok, so we shouldn't allow him to watch violent things but do you know how hard it is to find non-violent programs on TV? Even cartoons are violent. I mean, are Tom and Jerry not always trying to beat each other up or eat each other? On TV the heroes can get shot or thrown off a building and walk away from it. We always try and explain to Branston that the things he watches on TV are not real and he must not try anything like that at home. But what about other kids? We have no control over them.

It's when I read these stories and others about murder and rape of young children that I start thinking maybe Kendra had the right idea. She is in a better place and will never risk being exposed to all these bad things. Don't worry, I am not thinking of joining her and I do know that there is a lot of good in the world eg here. I do just worry sometimes about what is going on out there.

4 months

Isn't it strange how 4 months can seem like a lifetime? 4 months is a third of a year, half a pregnancy (well, mine anyway). On the one hand the year seems to have flown. I can't believe it is the end of July already, yet the last 4 months seems like an eternity. 4 short, but oh so long, months since I held my baby in my arms. Today has not been a good day, as you may be able to tell. And then this evening, for the first time since AK (after Kendra), Branston wanted to read to her when he did his reading homework. He used to do his reading while I gave her her bottle. So I took her picture down and put it on the table so that he could read to her.

On a different note, we had a lovely holiday. We took 2 weeks off during the school holidays. For the first week we went to Sun City. This was a gift from some very kind people. You know who you are. We cannot thank you enough. It was great to get away and spend time together without worrying about buying milk, feeding animals, cleaning house etc. We were able to spend time together and get used to being a family of 3 again. Branston had a ball. So many new experiences for him. I did have a few moments of sadness when I saw people with babies but we kept pretty busy so there was no time to dwell on what could have been. It was a great week.

The second week we spent at home painting Branston's room - doing our own extreme makeover! Well, not that extreme and we haven't finished yet but it is looking qutie good if I say so myself. I don't know if I have energy to do the rest of the house though, as is our intention. Painting is quite hard work, although rewarding. I am glad that we didn't get around to doing up Kendra's room yet as I don't think I could have handled going into a room done up for her. She slept in our room and her clothes were in the study.

I have started her scrapbook. I have only done 1 page and don't really know what I am doing but it is interesting and I will learn as I go along. I will have to post some pictures of the pages as I finish them.

I have been considering stopping this blog. I have not felt like writing up anything for a while. I mean, who wants to read about my grieving. This was supposed to be a blog to keep people up to date about Kendra's progress. Maybe I should start a new one. I want to start a separate one for Branston anyway. Any thoughts? I can see by the comments that it is still being read and I thank you all for that and for all your comments. Strange as it may seem, they do help even when I don't know who they are coming from. So maybe I should carry on. I will see how it goes.

I would like to dedicate this song by Celine Dion to Kendra. I was going to have it sung at her memorial service but for some reason I didn't. I can't remember too much about my thinking back then. It is called Fly and could have been written for Kendra.

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set

But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Finally

At long last Kendra's plaque has been completed and she was finally laid to rest. Exactly 3 months to the day after she died. We (just the family and the nanny) went out yesterday morning so that we could place her ashes into the grave and have it sealed. The plaque/gravestone is beautiful. The picture of her came out really well. There isn't really much more to say. Rest in peace, my beautiful baby.

She was laid to rest on her granny's birthday. Happy birthday Granny. And happy birthday to Grandpa for tomorrow.

Birthdays and other things

This is a picture of Kendra and Branston and their cousins from PE at Kendra's christening. Today is a special girl's birthday. Happy birthday Vangie. Sorry we did not phone you. I hope you had a super day.

Another happy birthday goes to Oupa for tomorrow. Happy birthday Oupa. We hope you have a wonderful day.

A while ago Susan and Michael left a comment on Kendra's World saying that they were expecting a baby with Jacobsen Syndrome. I sent them an email but have not heard from them so do not know if they received it or not. If you did receive it then please let me know. I hope things are going ok with you and the baby. If not then please send me other details. I would love to contact you and share experiences and help you in any way I can. Please do not feel hesitant because Kendra is no longer with us. I really would like to hear from you.

To my sweet Kendra

I miss you so much. I think of you all the time. Not an hour goes by when you are not in my thoughts. Is that wrong? Is that obsessive? Some might think so. Silly little things make me think of you.

Whenever I use Spray and Cook on the pans when cooking I want to go and do it by the window because that is what I did when you were watching me cook. Whenever we go anywhere I keep thinking that I don't have everything because I am not used to taking so little with me. With you here, it was nappies and bottles and changes of clothing etc. When I drive past Baby City and the other baby shops on the way to your brother's school I still think of going in to buy you stuff.

When my friends are all bleary eyed from lack of sleep because their baby is teething, I wish I could have no sleep for that reason. Or have to wake up at 6am after a party. Gosh, I really love my sleep and here I am wishing for less of it!

I don't like it when people talk about hospitals and doctors because it makes me think of your last week. I was at a talk a few weeks ago where the speaker was a doctor and he was joking about heart monitors and flatlining and stuff. I almost left the room. I think I hyperventilated a bit. Nobody noticed, I don't think. I keep thinking about the last time we made eye contact. You looked straight at me and I could see so much pain in your eyes, yet I couldn't help you. I felt so powerless. Yet that helps me now sometimes because I know you are free of that pain, of any pain. At least you did not have to continue suffering.

I sometimes wonder if you would have been sitting yet. You were very close. You were just starting to roll over nicely, with a bit of encouragement. We have been wondering if we should have another baby. I don't know, Kendra, you are a hard act to follow. Nobody could take your place and I wouldn't want anyone to. Time will tell.

I must go to bed now, my angel. It is late. I can't say I will dream of you because strangely I have only had one dream of you since that day. It was probably too upsetting for me so hasn't happened again. Good night, baby doll, I love you.

Kendra and friends

I found some pictures which I though would be nice to put up. Kendra with aunty Sonja, cousin Franci, and friends Amber and Hayden. She was loved by so many. Little Amber still talks to her and prays about her.

Branston climbed into bed with us early (very early) this morning and started talking about her. Says his main memory is of her laughing. I am glad that he is talking about her more. We have not pushed him and have let him grieve in his own way. But children are so different to us. I think he will be ok. We will all be ok. I have been having quite a few downs of late and those feelings will never go away but we have to move on and concentrate on our lives.

PS: Branston and Kendra want to wish their Ouma happy birthday for the other day. I wanted to do a posting on the day but it was a bit hectic (emotionally) last week.

Today

Today was not as bad as I thought it might be, but then I find that when you have prepared yourself for feeling bad, the reality is not as bad as what you were imagining. I went to a talk on ADD and ADHD children tonight (apparently Branston's problem). Firstly I was nervous because it started at about 7:30 and you know what happened at about that time 2 months ago. Secondly the main focus of the talk was about the effect of ADD on siblings. But I thought it might help to meet some people with similar problems and I also told Y that I would go with her. I think being amongst people helped me to try and switch my mind off and try and focus on something else. It was ok.

Now I am trying to download my blog to make sure that I do not lose any of it and I also want to keep all the lovely comments that people have made. I don't know..... I followed instructions but it does not seem to want to work. The blog should come up with a different format and with all posts and comments together on one page. But that is not working... for now. It will probably come right in the night and look a total mess tomorrow. So just excuse it if it looks funny, I hope I can get it back to it's proper state again afterwards.

2 months

Tomorrow it will be 2 months since my baby died.

I have been going through a bad patch where I just don't feel up to posting. Even now, it is too difficult. I started seeing a grief counsellor. She says I am too calm. I said I have to work, look after Branston. If I start being 'not calm' then I don't think I will stop very easily. It feels almost like I am holding myself together with string. I just hope that string does not snap.

Strange how 2 months can feel like a lifetime.

Happy Birthday Nanny

This is a picture of my gran (or Nanny as we used to call her) with Branston when he was a baby. She passed away is September 2001 shortly before 9/11. That was a bad September. First my gran passed away, then 9/11, then Gathry had an accident and broke his collarbone then my brother and his wife were retrenched (they were in the tourist industry in Botswana and after 9/11 it suffered big time).

But now when I think of Nanny, I think of Kendra with her and I know that they are looking after each other.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow Nanny. I know Mom has put some flowers next to your picture in her house and that your picture now shares a table with Kendra's picture. I wish you could have been here to meet Kendra during her short stay with us but now she is with you.

Mother's Day

What a special day this was last year. I had 2 children then. Still do, but one is no longer here with us. I cannot hold her in my arms. But I cannot say that the day is not special either, my husband and son have gone to such trouble to make it special for me. So it is special, just in a different way. My son made me a card on the computer, from him, his dad and his sister. He also chose the gifts himself including a locket on a keyring with space for photos. He also gave me a picture which he coloured in which I know took a lot off effort as he does not finish things easily (that is the topic of another day's discussion). And we are going to the Moscow circus this afternoon, which took a lot out of Gathry, not because he does not like the circus, or that it was so expensive, but because he believes it is a bit of a ripoff at that price, plus he is missing the Grand Prix!

So I want to say, my darling Kendra, this is a special day but would be so much more special if you were here with us. I have really been missing you a lot these last few days. A lot.

I took Branston to the doctor the other day and when we were paying, there was a lady in the waiting room holding a baby. It must have been about a month old. I so badly wanted to hold that baby, I think she must have thought I was a bit strange as I kept looking at the baby. Strange that seeing other babies did not seem to bother me too much before, now, just as I thought I was having lots of good days, I find myself looking at babies all the time and feeling really sad. I suppose it is part of the cycle of grieving but damn, it is hard.

I also want to say happy mother's day to my mom and Gathry's mom, who no longer have mothers to phone today but I know that Kendra is with both her great grandmothers, keeping them company so none of them are alone today. I also want to say happy mother's day to Tammy who has been through a really rough time lately with Connor in and out of hospital. I am thinking of you, my friend, and am sorry I have not been able to help you much but am a bit of a basket case myself. I am also thinking of all the other moms out there who have lost their little ones. I know exactly how hard it is, but we have to get through it for the sake of those others who love and depend on us. Anyhow, time to dry my tears and go to the circus.

Meet Charli

This is Charli. She is almost 3 months old and also has Jacobsen Syndrome. Charli's mom found us through Kendra's blog but unfortunately only after Kendra had passed away. I wish....... well, it would have been so nice to have the 2 of them grow up "together" and for us to compare notes about having a JS baby. They may never even have met because Charli lives in Australia, practically the other side of the world. I have asked Charli's parents to keep me updated on how she does. She is the first baby with JS whose parents have corresponded with me (the others have all been much older children) and I am very interested in her progress.

Charli's breakpoint (section of chromosome where breakage occurs) is 25, Kendra's was 23. They have many similarities, yet Charli seems to have more physical problems, but from what her mom said is progressing quite well with her milestones. Her blood platelets are extremely low as were Kendra's although Kendra's count did seem to come right after a while, only dropping when she was ill. So hopefully Charli's count will also improve with time. The plates in the back of Charli's head have fused prematurely which is a problem as she will require surgery to correct this. We were worried about Kendra's head shape as well but she checked out ok.

Charli also has ptosis of her left eye and they are still waiting to see what has to be done about that, possibly also patching. The physio is happy with Charli's progress and says she has good muscle tone and should do well with a bit of physio. If there is anyone out there who wants to get in contact with Charli's parents they can do so through me. They are very interested in corresponding with other JS baby parents.

On a sad note, Kendra's nanny finished working here yesterday. She has found a good job with a single mom who has a 3 month old boy. I am very happy for her but I think that may be part of why I have been so sad these last few days, much more emotional than usual. Cot is down, baby clothes and bottles and stuff packed away, now nanny gone. Slowly all signs of Kendra having been here are disappearing. Now all that is left are the memories, the photos and the heartache.

I was given a lovely memorial book with a couple of photos and lovely words in it and I plan on learning to do some scrapbooking so that I can fill it with all my best photos of Kendra. I dropped a few hints to my friends and received some lovely scrapbooking things for my birthday so now all I have to do is sort out the photos and find a spot to work. Of course I will have to do one for Branston as well so I think I will be busy for quite a while.

Numbers

Yesterday at exactly 3 seconds and 2 minutes past 1am, if you put time first you had interesting sequence of numbers - 01:02:03 04/05/06. This got me thinking about Kendra (most things do) and her birthdate. She was born at 1am (ok maybe not exactly but thereabouts) on 23 April 2005 which gives you 1:00 23/4/05, or 12345, another interesting sequence. She was also born on 23/4 and died on 24/3. And for good measure, last year my birthday was on 05/05/05. Interesting!!

Speaking of which, today was a strange day. My plan, 2 months ago, was to take Kendra to the therapist at the Downs Syndrome school. We had an appointment for 9am after which there was to be a talk for all mums whose children attended the home program by a specialist of some sort. I was going to take Kendra's nanny with. So I was planning to take the whole day off and just relax for the rest of my birthday. But now, it was just another day. I went to work as usual but could not help thinking about what my plans had been while driving to work. Not a good idea to drive and cry at the same time! Luckily I got there without incident. But otherwise, my husband and son spoilt me with gifts and a lovely home made card. We are going out tonight so hopefully that will cheer me up. Although the weather is really lousy - huge storm going on out there - maybe it would be better to stay at home in bed!

By the way - HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY TO CARLA.

Happy birthday to Ryan

On a more cheerful note than recent posts I would like to wish Ryan, a young man with cerebral palsy, a very happy 21st birthday. Please go to the KIDS blog for some pics and more info.

When Sandy, Ryan's mom, came to deliver the invite to Ryan's birthday party to me she was very upset at being so happy when I was so sad. I just want to say to Sandy that you must not feel guilty at rejoicing while I am so sad. You must be proud of your family's achievements. I am happy for you and you deserve to be able to celebrate this occasion. You have done an excellent job raising Ryan to be the best that he can be and he is a remarkable young man. Well done to all of you.

1 month and counting

It has been exactly 1 month since our Kendra left us. I think I may need a sleeping tablet tonight. A month ago at this time I was sitting in the hospital holding my baby for the last time and wondering how I was going to tell her brother that his little sister was gone. Hard to believe how much one can go through in a month.

Yesterday was not too bad. We did some shopping, cleaned the house, went to the memorial park and had some friends over afterwards. I just want to say thank you to those who joined us at the park and to everyone who came around afterwards, even if only for a while. Your love and support mean a great deal.

We changed our room around last week and took down the cot. It was hard. I still have not packed away all her clothes and other things like medicines and nappies etc. I suppose I should sometime, maybe this weekend. I also have to sort out photos to print and enlarge. Can you believe I don't have any framed pictures of Kendra. I kept meaning to get around to it and never did. One thing I am glad that I did, and only a few weeks before she left us, was have Gathry take some nice black and white photos of Kendra and I. They are not digital but I will try and scan them in, there is one very nice one which I want to frame. I do not actually have many photos of her and I or of her and Gathry, more of her and Branston. Mostly we took pictures of her on her own, especially smiling ones.

Someone said something interesting to me the other day. If you lose a spouse you are a widow or widower. If you lose your parents you are an orphan. What do you call parents who lose a child or children?

I am rambling now. I have to get up early tomorrow so I should try and get some sleep.
I miss her so much.

Happy Birthday Sweet Kendra

Tomorrow, 23 April 2006, would have been Kendra's first birthday. As a matter of fact we are now only 4 hours away from the exact time she was born. How well I remember that Friday night when my waters broke. Gathry was not at home and I got the first signs at about 7pm while watching Fear Factor. I thought I was surely imagining it, I was not packed! It was 5 weeks too early! My replacement at work was only starting in 2 weeks time! But by about 9pm I knew for sure, phoned Gathry to get home quickly, packed a bag and by 2am the next morning Kendra was born. She had to immediately go into high care and since I had a caesarion section I only got to see her the next day when they organised a wheelchair to take me through to her. She looked very good for a baby born at 35 weeks.

The doctor told us that she would need an operation to correct the positioning of her anus but otherwise she was quite healthy. I had problems getting her to feed initially and then 2 days after we took her home we had to take her back to the hospital for a week with jaundice and a blood infection. Once she recovered from that she started sucking well. Then of course we discovered the Jacobsen Syndrome and our lives were changed. In the beginning it was extremely difficult to take in the fact that our child was different and nobody could tell us exactly how different she would be in future. She could have just needed a little bit of extra coaching and been mainstreamed or it may have meant a special school. Now we will never know.

It was an interesting year. We met some interesting people, made some new friends and I think changed our outlook on life quite a bit along the way. Between the operation, the eyepatches, the physio, the eating problems etc, she kept us quite busy. The last month has been quite a challenge and I have not done a post on the blog for quite a few days now as I have really not felt strong enough. There have been some really bad days and as quite a few people said, the worst was after the family had gone home and we tried to settle into some sort of a routine.

Tomorrow is not going to be quite as I had imagined it a month ago. We were going to have a big party, invite everyone, big cake, the usual exciting stuff around a first birthday. Now we will be taking flowers to the memorial park and will try not to think of what might have been. We will just try and think of the joy we had in the past year and how lucky we were to be parents and brother to such a lovely little girl.

Happy birthday my darling.

Durbanville Memorial Park

A number of people have asked us for some info about the memorial park where Kendra was laid to rest. Last time I went there I took some pictures and here are the nicest. The memorial park is a fairly new trend in places to lay your loved ones to rest. It replaces the traditional cemetery where the graves are all placed in a row with big headstones. As the name implies they are trying to create more of a park atmosphere. There are private standalone ash graves like Kendra's, as well as smaller ash graves in circles such as the picture above with all the roses. There is also an area for conventional graves but it is in the grass and no upright headstones are allowed, only plaques sunk into the grass. Only phase 1 has been completed so far. They are busy building a larger chapel (we could not fit all our guests in the existing 1 for Kendra's service, but we did have a large number of people attending), a crematorium and also a coffee shop. I do not know of another park like this in Cape Town, but I may be mistaken. I must say we have also received very good service from them. The phone number for the park is 021 975 5199.

And no, they did not pay me to advertise for them, but we felt that if we can help anyone out there with some advice then we would like to do that. When we were at the hospital, we were asked which funeral home we would like to use. Now what kind of a question is that for parents who have just lost their baby? Obviously we do not keep the names of funeral parlours handy! So they gave us the number of Avbob in Bellville. It was either there or in Maitland. So we thought that the one in Bellville would be nicer. Well, we were sadly mistaken. Firstly, if they had told us that the one in Bellville did not have a crematorium then we would probably have chosen the one in Maitland since she had to be sent there from Bellville anyway. Secondly, the one in Bellville was in a really crappy part of town. Going there was a horrible experience and I feel that if we had not received good advice from friends about deciding what we wanted up front, then they may have railroaded us into buying things we did not actually want. I think that the hospital did have some other options but they gave us the cheapest ones, and we were in no state to think clearly and they said they had to phone them to fetch her that evening.

I know it is not a nice thing to think about when you and your loved ones are alive and well, but I am thinking that it might be worth looking into these things beforehand in order to lessen the trauma if, heaven forbid, any of your family should pass away. Also it is quite expensive. We went for some slightly less expensive options and also had a lot of help from friends, from advice to catering to printing, so it could have cost us a lot more than it actually did.

Anyway this is all just my 2 cents worth but hopefully it will help someone out there.